Struggling with Self-Triggering: Seeking Advice

I have a memory box (more like a large tub) with things from my past that have caused me pain or trauma. Like ex partner notes, things from vacations, etc. I'll dive into it occasionally for no reason and always upset myself. Maybe this is why I do it too.

I have definitely self harmed in this way in the past, but for the last year, if I continue seeing a powerful flashback, I will begin to welcome it (only if I feel safe and in control) to find what is at the root of this trigger? What is it possibly trying to show me? I don't know if it is okay or healthy, but I have lost flashbacks in doing such.

I can relate to this. I try to figure out my intention behind it or why for each circumstance. For me it’s usually if I feel this chronic anxiety unease, getting more info and understand helps me to de-escalate my triggers in general. So it helps my anxiety but I have to be careful to make sure it doesn’t switch into overdrive and I can’t get out of fight-flight-freeze-fawn. I usually need to find a distraction after to get my mind to slow and regulate and the can relax. If I’m not able to do that it’s a red flag for me to reach out to someone safe to process because clearly I can’t see the issue or the solution to get out at that point and then Im just a mess. For me it’s maladaptive if I don’t check in and adjust with that in mind or if I completely avoid it. There are other times where it’s like I want to relive something so I can re-write my response. Like emotionally overcoming it or getting better at responding. I tend to freeze & fawn a lot. So visualizing or consuming triggering things helps give me a scenario to play out at my own pace. I feel more ready for how I would like to respond if it happens again to keep myself safe. At the time it feels scary but after, I feel more confident and trusting in myself that I can handle whatever happens… which drastically reduces my anxiety. I think of it like isolation for me… sometimes it’s really beneficial for me and other times it’s not; but overall a lot of people don’t see or understand the benefit and will have their own ideas of what’s good or bad for me but at the end of the day I have to deal with me and have to determine what’s best in the situation. Some days I’m not up for it or need help to be up for it. I would encourage you to focus on what benefit you get from it and what the downsides are and how to create safety do that if you want and adjust. There’s usually a time & place for things. You can set it up to do it safely if it’s serving you. And if not, it may lead you to something else that serves you better.

Thanks for asking this question! Prayers! It’s hard to not self harm emotionally I try to distract my self or set a timer for how long I can fall into the self harm (which isn’t the best) God is with you!