Struggling with PTSD and Grief

so I've taken a break from alot of social media. because my mental health is draining. And my PTSD is really kicking my butt. I was already diagnosed when my dad died. But It was under control but when dad died I keep having nighterrors of him being with me one second and then just dying traumatically in front of me. when I talked to my doctor she said its because I watched him die in a traumatizing way. but now I'm blaming myself because I was given the chance to leave before they took him off the vent and I didn't. Is this my fault? Did I do this to myself? what can I do to help. no meds are helping. and I'm honestly scared to sleep. I've been staying up 3 4 days in a row without sleep because I'm terrified to sleep. but it's now causing my other diagnoses to kick in anxiety, panic disorder, paranoia, ect. I'm so sick of this. I put up a front infront of everybody because I don't want them worried about me. but I'm not doing okay.