Struggling with My Fitness Journey

ive always been the fat kid. I never could run a Mile in high school. then over the pandemic I walked a lot, and slowly then realized I could run. not just barely do a mile without stopping, but I was running miles under 10 mins. I was doing 5ks at like 26 minutes at 190 pounds and that really made me feel good. I stopped improving as much, and then stopped running as often. then went through 1 really bad breakup, then 2 short situationships that didn't work out, and now bam, I weigh 30 lbs more and I can't run more than a quarter mile without needing to walk. I'm just trying to push through the self hate and make small steps but I'm just pissed off at myself for allowing myself to get put of shape like this. i can tell from looking at my body and my abilities that I never have been this out of shape and it's making me want to just get under the covers and avoid life, even though that's how I got into this issue in thr first place.