Struggling with Depression and Lack of Self-Respect

I just explained to my mom what goes through my head and how badly I'm struggling and everything I said made me realize that I'm actually really depressed and really lack self respect and love for myself. Like I just don't have a desire to take care of myself or do things that make me happy. The motivation is just not there and it hurts to realize that. Like I've nearly died on so many occasions and my sense of "wow, I need to seize the day and make the most of my time on this earth and really appreciate that I've survived so much" doesn't exist. I'll think about "what if I died tomorrow" and my brain will say "that would really suck because we've failed life and ourselves miserably but oh well my guy." I can barely force myself to get water or even use the bathroom when I need to. It's like this huge internal struggle and I don't understand how I got so bad without even noticing it. I'll stand in the shower trying to convince myself to actually wash and I'll just end up standing there frustrated because "what's the point I'll just end up dirty anyway". I need help and I don't have the insurance to get it anymore. I just feel so incredibly lost.