Struggling with Bipolar Disorder: The Constant Battle of Identity

i never feel like myself anymore, my moods control everything about me. i never think about hurting people, i dont even kill flys when they bug me, but when im manic im so irritated and paranoid that its like im a different person. and then when im depressed its like im not anything anywhere im just there and i exist but at the same time i dont feel like I do exist. the world is so plain and boring when im depressed. but i know that i see beauty in life its just i cant ever feel it when im in either of these two moods. its so hard to figure out who I actually am because once ive gotten used to my identity in a depressive episode i have to then get used to my identity in a manic episode. it sucks so much because I never truly feel like im stable. the closest I ever get to it is having mixed episodes which I get as a sort of "transition" out of an episode into another one. i switch moods every few hours and it lasts for a week or two. it feels great to be able to feel and think more than just pessimism or head rushes but at the same time its so hard to manage both the highs and lows at the same time. I hate this disorder :(