Struggling with Anxiety: Can't Get a Break

Anxiety consumes me most days, and has about as long as I remember. I have anxiety such that most meds won't touch it. Antidepressants make it worse. I've gotten IV Ativan at the hospital and my panic attack continued, just in slow-motion. I can take 1mg Klonopin and feel only a little less likely to get triggered and start to panic. Gabapentinoids have helped the most, I think in large part because my anxiety and my chronic pain disorder go hand-in-hand and pregabalin helps both. Honestly, it was quite the conversation with my therapist when I realized there isn't a pill that can fix me. I have to put in the work to learn to handle my triggers when they come, learn not to buy into the nasty thoughts I'll have about myself which make me so insecure and nervous to begin with. It's an uphill battle I've far from won, but I'd highly recommend DBT. It was personally very helpful to externalize and personify my panic attacks. It's so much easier for me to not feel suffocated by fear of having another panic attack when I can release that guilt element I get when I think of how awful I can be when panicking by naming my panic "the Fear Monster," because then it isn't me throwing a tantrum, it's a monster attacking me and anyone else witnessing. This helps me so much because I tend to lose control of my thoughts and emotions when I'm panicking, often disassociate and don't remember later what I even said that has my girlfriend ice-cold towards me or what annoyed my friend, and feeling guilty for shit I did when I wasn't me is harder on me personally than thinking of it more like a monster attacking us both. My therapist said it's helpful for folks with childhood trauma in particular to personify fears, that it's a common exercise when a kid has recurring nightmares to have them imagine a different, safer or even silly, ending to that dream before they fall asleep at night. Basically, use your imagination to your benefit, retrain your brain a little bit.

I don’t have advice but when I was just at the worst point of my breakdown my dreams also haunted me. That’s one of the ways I knew I was at my worst. Some so bad that I would wake up crying and couldn’t stop for awhile. Talk to your dr about this for sure