Struggling with a Narcissist: My Life Story

Hello..My name is Cynthia.I am 61,next month 62.Ive lived in Spokane area of Washington on n off much of my life.Ive been widowed twice(both 1st husband from suicide after 16 yrs marriage?,then my fiance of 1 year ,also suicide n shortly thereafter my 2nd (separated at x but with him day he OD.d n died from meth overdose (heart attack).I had child by 2nd husband who was taken by CPS at 2. A stillborn boy 8 mths later followed by a after stillborn daughter .Ive been diagnosed with complicated grief n severe PTSD(this b4 I had the succession of 5 more losses which haven t been seen for.I also have ongoing dysthymia n anxiety.If be had Hypertension (on high spectrum for 10 yrs which still continues.Ive been on/off antidepressants for over 20 yrs.Not currently in therapy nor on meds.Avoid doctor.I also am an alcoholic ,tho in lower doses but coupled with meth addiction (this since death of 1st husband.'relapsed in 98 after 17 yrs sobriety.Have 2 grown sons by 1st husband 35 n 37.They r both alcoholic n opiate addicts.My youngest chronic n with brief episodes sobriety He is suicidal n has been in n out of psyche n medical hospitals.Oldest is grossly overweight,both married with 2 a piece boys n girls.They live one in Idaho n youngest homeless presently.My parents r in early to mid 80s living in Idaho.In pretty good health insofar.Neither r addict/alcoholic n r devout loving Christians in love.2 sisters,Im middle child,Oldest in psychiatry n Hospice profession here in Spokane non addict/Ali n married to pastor n younger sister on coast.Also non addict/alcoholic with husband. n kids on coast. Wow capnt Blieve I wrote all that. Better save it..😊.Im currently struggling n striving to end a long term on/off relationship with,as... discovered quite by accident over 4 yrs ago,a bonaf0ide thru n thru ,to the absolute "T"..,Narcissist.Research avidly all forms of material n such on this highlyuntreatable,destructive n toxic individual(s).Ive lost very much my esteem,self worth,and other areas of my own persona without noticing it over years n am,despite my knowledge n wisdom utterly affected n impacted as myself.Yet am both addicted ,trauma bonded,n obsessed with him n the whole us part.He is as all Hear n Read on highest end scale of this pervasive disorder.IvE reeling at the astoundingly accurate excerpts shared by both profs n laymen/victims slime I can't begin to expound enuf on the utter appalling n deplorable behaviors exhibited.Its mind blowing n has , obviously has added huge extensions to my pretty complex array of life experiences.To say I feel in a dazed state much of x understatement.There I got most of my life travails out .Now where do I go from here.....