Struggling to Process My Emotions

I really struggle to open up about my feelings or even process them, I’m in therapy but I’ve never been able to show emotion I can talk about things plenty but from a neutral calm perspective I can’t stand crying in front of people but I love crying alone I don’t know why I’m like this or how to stop it, I switch into this logical calm person when talking about my feelings and it makes me confused on what I even feel like am I emotional like I thought I was when I was alone or am I actually calm and chill about it I don’t know. I’m trying to process this autoimmune disease I have and how it’s taken my life from me and I don’t know how to process it and it makes me fearful that I’ll crash at some point because the emotions hit me all at once or something. I should be sad or scared or something and I feel like I’m not, I am a little bit sometimes but not enough and not most of the time and I don’t know why.