Questioning if I'm Neurodivergent and on the Spectrum

That sounds a lot like masking. The things you listed that you *could* do you mention that you're uncomfortable or anxious doing them, which is a pretty good sign that maybe you wouldn't be if you weren't expected to or even shouldn't be as much if social interactions like these wear you down. Autism is a spectrum disorder which means that it's symptoms and severity levels are incredibly individual and plenty of people on the less severe end of the spectrum Can do the things you listed, as well as other things that are common symptoms like going off routine, but are still uncomfortable or become fatigued from doing it too much. I even choose to make eye contact with my partner because I like looking at his eyes, but it makes it more obvious that I learned from a young age how to fake eye contact because the only time I'm comfortable with eye contact is when my eyes dart from one eye to the other, and even then I'm painfully aware of how strange that is even though I dont feel the need to mask in that situation. I can also make "normal" eye contact when needed and then go about my day but it still makes me uncomfortable, and I'm good at faking it so I'd rather not do that if I don't have to. For a long time I didnt even think I was uncomfortable with small talk, I like talking to people even though I get anxious and I can fixate on some topics that count as small talk as other people's pets tend to fall under my SpIns just enough that it's fine, I just thought other topics were kind of boring and that's why I always wanted out and got fidgety. I didn't realize that small talk was disregulating my sensory input and causing me to be over or under stimulated. It can be real easy to miss or brush stuff off because its "not that big of a deal" but that's not how spectrum disorders work, you either experience symptoms or you don't and that's what dictates a diagnosis, not how bad those symptoms are or how bad they could be in comparison to others.

I’m almost a decade older than you, & only recently realized in the last few years I am neurodivergent af, lol. :-) Received an official diagnosis of ADHD-I(inattentive type, but do probably have some overlapping symptoms of other types)& unofficial diagnosis of ASD, which I was somewhat reluctant to accept at first, due to all the stigma & misconceptions about being on the Autism spectrum. But, it became increasingly obvious, after seeing so many videos & articles (on TV & online) of people, particularly females, who were not diagnosed until later in adulthood, & crying every single time, as I related so much to all of their stories, like hearing someone speak my own language for the 1st time. I always knew & would tell others that my brain just literally doesn’t work like other people’s, but never even heard “neurodivergent” used as a term to describe this until only a couple of years ago, & I was actually super relieved to finally get this validation that I’m not “crazy” & my brain, indeed, does not function like a “normal”(i.e., neurotypical) person’s does…! I’ve since taken several home tests that are easily found online(Search: free Autism ASD diagnostic test) from reputable websites & various organizations, & all of them confirm that the likelihood of my being ASD is very high, so that basically is confirmation, short of an official diagnosis, & my doctors concur. (Self-diagnosis is extremely common & very much supported by ASD community online.) Old models for understanding & diagnosing neurodivergence focused on children & only primarily on males, although young boys & girls tend to present differently, with varying symptoms, & girls are also generally more adept at masking than boys, so we tend to hide our symptoms better, which makes it clear to see why so many of us are either misdiagnosed or go undiagnosed until later in our adult years. Like you, I’ve always had bad(both Generalized & Social/Agoraphobia) Anxiety, & eye contact (both too much & too little) has always been an ongoing issue for me, as well as having a tendency to finish other’s sentences. I am highly intelligent & was an academically successful student, too, despite high anxiety & difficulty functioning, so that undoubtedly contributed to my late diagnoses, as well. I also prefer alone time to social interactions, & I like to hyper-focus on any number of various artistic endeavors, hobbies, & other things that I enjoy doing by myself, rather than being in social situations or participating with what other people call “fun,” but looks like literal torture to mee!! :) Also, I’m extremely empathic, in spite of my aversion to being around people, lol. ;) If you feel like an official diagnosis would help you in some way, you should absolutely seek out a professional who specializes in diagnosing neurodivergent adults. For me, personally, I am definitely going to pursue this avenue, as I am sure that it will be beneficial and aid in my efforts to amass further documentation to support seeking financial assistance from the government for all of my many health & mental health issues and disabilities. It’s up to you to determine whether or not seeking an official diagnosis would be helpful to you & your particular situation & circumstances, but self-diagnosis is a perfectly acceptable option, either way, & there is a plethora of information & various communities online for neurodivergent individuals & specifically for adults, like ourselves. Instagram is the platform where I found this app advertised, as well as where I really started to learn a lot about neurodivergence, so that would be my recommendation. And, please, don’t be discouraged by the fact that “Disorder” is in the name of ASD, as it is actually somewhat of a misnomer, since neurodivergence does not indicate a disorder or dysfunction, but, rather, DIFFERENT FUNCTIONING of our brains from the neurotypical general public population. There is nothing “wrong” with us, & we don’t need “fixing.”

I did binders worth of research before I ever had someone look at me and say you definitely are autistic. I didn't do just the research on how I'm autistic but also how my brothers are how my dad is and my granddad and my mom's side. My mom has ADHD at least according to me.

Hi✋ look up some articles about women on the spectrum, symptoms can be very different for girls and women and are often missed because they 'mask' their whole lives without realising 👍

Sounds like you just mask. I make eye contact sometimes too much even if it feels weird. But I’m always obsessing over if I’m doing it right and if they’re thinking it’s wrong. You can also be hyper empathetic and autistic. It’s a spectrum. I recommend looking into female autism too bc women weren’t studied for autism until very recently so most symptoms u hear ab are male autism

So idk if you have ASD or not. But I will say that all of the reasons you said you aren't are things I experience and the acceptance of these problems could be attributed to afab children being more socialized in general than amab children. I, too, understood sarcasm growing up, until I was not immediately around it, and now it is challenging to me. That said, the rest I attribute in myself to being forced to mask. As soon as I stopped trying to mask (after my diagnosis at 31), it felt like I regressed socially but felt infinitely less anxious because I wasn't trying to fit some mold that I couldn't possibly fit. I would suggest you look into the autism community on reddit and YouTube and see what actual afab autism looks like and feels like to see if you find a place in the community. Even if you don't, you may find a few tips on helping with social anxiety, which many of us have. It's not necessary for you to get a formal diagnosis at this age, but having a community that makes you feel like you belong can be freeing. I've found many of my closest friends were undiagnosed but clearly on the spectrum, and I fit in easier with neurodivergent people than neurotypicals because it's like trying to constantly speak with fluent native speakers in a foreign language you have about 2 years schooling for. Even if you get what they're saying, it's draining and can take up more energy and thought process is necessary. If you do decide to get diagnosed, look for a specialist in adult and afab diagnoses because they typically present differently than white, amab children. Good luck!