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Seeking Advice: Partner's Reaction to Phalloplasty Surgery

Mr._Dank

285d

I need advice please… am I the asshole for being upset over my partner’s reaction to my desired phalloplasty surgery? 18+ only please… I’m trans ftm and my partner is cis male. Recently I’ve talked about getting phalloplasty to him and his first responses are “well you’re gonna have to learn to bottom for me” and “Don’t get it too big”. I’ve expressed to him that I don’t want to be the bottom all the time but I’m willing to compromise. I’ve even told him that topping makes me very gender euphoric and I haven’t done it in so long since him and I have been together. I’ve only been able to do it once with him. In the past I was mostly a top with other partners and I like it better that way, however I’ve been the bottom for him 99% of the time and it can make me a bit dysphoric (which I have told him). But it seems as if he deserves to be top no matter what.. the other day when I brought up to him how I want to top more he got all weird about it and was saying it was so random that I brought it up and basically made me feel weird for even saying anything. I get it that people have preferences, but so do I. I feel like he’s trying to convince me to get my surgery to his liking in a way cause of his comments on it. (I’m getting my referral for phalloplasty). And I will not get a certain size because “he doesn’t want it that big”. It’s what makes me comfortable.. but I’m just wondering.. am I the asshole for being offended by his response and wanting to get the size that I want/wanting to top more?

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Top reply
    • ThunderBeetle

      278d

      You are definitely not an asshole. 100% do what makes you comfortable.

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    • ThunderBeetle

      278d

      You are definitely not an asshole. 100% do what makes you comfortable.

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      Reply
    • Mr._Dank

      282d

      To everyone who has responded. I had a talk with him but I was angry with him and he blamed me for “ruining his mood the whole day” because I was upset about what he’s been doing… not sure what to do. He didn’t have much to say about the surgery stuff but apologized for objectifying me however was denying he was doing that. Lol He was angry that I don’t just tell him but when I do and he doesn’t take me serious and it’s also extremely hard for me to speak up for myself. So I’m not sure what’s gonna happen now

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    • minime273

      282d

      You’re not the asshole. His needs and your needs seem to be conflicting and it sounds like his love is conditional on him not feeling like less of a man, somehow. He should be supporting you, and letting you choose what you want your surgery outcomes to be; it’s not like you get a do-over if y’all break up, so please focus on your happiness first.

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      • Mr._Dank

        282d

        @minime273 exactly. I don’t want to abide by what he wants me to get and I regret it later. I talked to him about it and he didn’t have much to say. Just was mad at me for not talking to him about it sooner and said I ruined his mood all day. Basically blaming me for his mood, when he is the reason we were having that convo lol.

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    • Sunshineseeker90

      282d

      I think you would want to take into consideration his thought on size. And he should take into consideration you like to be top. Does he not like being a bottom because he doesn't like a*** penetration.

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      • Mr._Dank

        282d

        @Sunshineseeker90 I don’t think taking his consideration on size makes sense to me. It’s my body, so it’s my choice what to do with it. Has nothing to do with him.

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    • Mouse12144

      283d

      Deffo not the asshole in the situation if anything he is the asshole

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      • Mr._Dank

        283d

        @Mouse12144 He is an asshole. Thanks for the response.

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    • AnimalBoy

      284d

      You're ot at all the asshole here, your opinions and preferences on your sex life are just as important as his and if he cant compromise so you're both comfortable then it doesnt sound like you're sexually compatible. Also he doesn't really "deserve" to top in that it isnt really something you earn or have rights to but something that two people must enthusiastically and amicably agree on. On top of that it's kind of a red flag that he's trying to pressure you into changing your body the way he wants it instead of what makes you comfortable, my partner have a relationship dynamic where he has control over most permanent or potentially permanent changes to my body like piercings and tattoos but my transition stuff is first and foremost what I need to do to feel comfortable and I dont feel the need to cater to his opinions, interestingly enough having a partner who is willing and able to prove that my comfort and dysphoria is an important consideration in both sex and every day interactions without expectation of reward is what allowed me to open up to bottoming in ways I've never felt comfortable with previously and therefore my surgery choices now accommodate some of what were originally *his* preferences because he made sure that *I* was comfortable and enjoying myself so much so that it changed my mind on some aspects.

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      • Mr._Dank

        283d

        @AnimalBoy I’m glad that you and your partner have stuff figured out. I hope everything continues to be great for you!

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      • Mr._Dank

        283d

        @AnimalBoy you’re right. I don’t think we are sexually compatible or compatible at all. It’s getting rough cause he keeps doing things he knows I don’t like and says “I know you like it” and I’m just so done at this point. Talking with him does nothing but get lies from his mouth

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        • AnimalBoy

          279d

          @Mr._Dank yeah that does sound really rough dude he should respect your boundaries You deserve better than that

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    • flynpurplppleatr

      284d

      this doesn't sound like a relationship you're seen as equal in. maybe it my own past experiences but dating cis men as an ftm person.... I tend to see cis men don't respect their trans boyfriends..

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      • Mr._Dank

        284d

        @flynpurplppleatr thanks for your input. I’m sorry you’ve had some bad experiences with cis men as well.. but I totally see what you’re saying. I’ve dated other cis when who’ve treated me like trash. He isn’t the worst, but he definitely doesn’t fully respect me or my wishes. He does things that make me uncomfortable even after I tell him I don’t like it when he does certain things.. I’m his first relationship (he is almost 30, I’m 25).. so maybe it’s because he is inexperienced?

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    • Gloriana

      285d

      You are definitely not an asshole. Your views are valid 100%. It doesn't sit right that he is disregarding your preferences, it's almost as if he thinks his are more valid/important. Also the size thing seems like perhaps he has some insecurity. I'm really sorry you're struggling with this but maybe you just aren't sexually/emotionally compatible?

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      • Mr._Dank

        284d

        @Gloriana and it does feel like he thinks his preferences are more important. Cause if his first response to me saying I’m getting surgery was that I am gonna have to learn to bottom… and then I said he would have to as well he got offended and said that he wouldn’t do it. He said he only does it if he is in the perfect mood to do it and is completely relaxed. It definitely feels like I’m an object sometimes.. idk

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      • Mr._Dank

        284d

        @Gloriana Thanks for the response! It honestly feels that way when it comes to sex. We had some issues in the past with it that were very bad but came to more of an understanding on. However you’re possibly right. He suggested I get the same size as him and I said I wanted to be bigger and he got really offended, however I let him know it wasn’t meant to be offensive, his size is perfect, I just want a bigger size for myself.. idk. It all feels so weird and I feel like he doesn’t care about how I feel about my own surgery. He didn’t even seem excited when I said I was getting my referral..

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☝ This content is generated by our users and it is not a substitute for professional medical advice. Please consult with your physician before making any medical decision

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