Parents contacting my therapist without my consent

Mj_and_Otis

169d

I’m 19 and in college, but I still live with my parents due to medical issues. I see a therapist weekly, because often with chronic illness and pain comes mental health issues (definitely the case for me). Today, he told me he had received an email from my parents with some updates and concerns. He didn’t respond because I’m 19 and haven’t signed a release for them, but I’m still really frustrated about this. They did this a lot with the therapist I saw in high school too, but I was hoping that would change now that I’m an adult. I politely asked them to not contact my therapist in the future, and my mom got super defensive and cried. I understand their concern, a lot has happened and I’ve been in the hospital more than most people (for physical stuff), but I also function as a largely independent adult. I have straight A’s in my college classes, go to appointments and extracurriculars by myself, keep my own calendar, help with cooking and housework,etc. but it’s like they still see me as a high schooler even though I’m in college and legally an adult now. How can I help them understand this without offending them? I love them and mostly like living with them.

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Top reply
    • shoe

      159d

      You have done your part for growing up and moving on. They haven't seemed to have that full transition yet. It can be really frustrating. You should calm them and talk about how you wish they wouldn't do that anymore. You don't like that they do that, and you have to set that boundary. If, after that talk, they still dont stop , maybe sign a release for them? Some parents, even though you set that boundary with them, they don't change or respect it. So then you have to do what you can to change that. I wish you the best for luck!

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    • frogs

      169d

      I’m in a similar situation (I’m not sure how good of intentions my mom actually has…) and I really hate it. I don’t know what to do but I’m also looking for help

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    • Evaleastaristev

      169d

      It's a tough situation to be in. As you didn't move out, they still see you as their child. I would have a gentle conversation with them about boundaries, and how they have changed now that you're an adult.

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      • Mj_and_Otis

        168d

        @Evaleastaristev I didn’t move out, but other than that I’m on track for my age. Like I have a 4.0 gpa at my highly competitive 4 year university and I manage my calendar and all of that stuff

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    • anemone

      169d

      how did the conversation go that she cried? were passionate words exchanged? if so the whole "i feel [blank] when [blank] because [blank]. i'd like it if you could [blank] because it would help me to [blank]. can i count on you to do this to help me?" form works pretty well for both getting them on your side and for avoiding a confrontational conversation. avoid finger pointing and take your time, pause if either of you gets too emotional. if they say no, you ask to make a compromise. best of luck.

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      • Mj_and_Otis

        168d

        @anemone no raised voices, I was very calm and (I thought) nicely asked her to not do something that hurts me. She cried I guess because she said she wants to help me and this would prevent her from doing that

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        • RainbowNarwhal

          167d

          @Mj_and_Otis Now that you're an adult and looking to set boundaries, she can help you on your terms. She needs to understand that the way she can help you is by allowing you to be independent and help you more directly when you choose to come to her and share what you want from therapy. Unless you ask them to do so, it's completely inappropriate for your parents to have direct contact with your therapist. It could be helpful to discuss this with your therapist directly. My therapist has helped me become more comfortable setting boundaries with the people in my life.

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    • Alyss

      168d

      Maybe try explaining that going behind your back like that is a violation of your trust and that if they are concerned about you they should address it with you directly in a non-confrontational way. This, of course, requires 2 things: that you honestly believe that your parents have the best intentions for you and that you don't lie to them when they come to you. Otherwise, you'll be the one breaking trust. My personal experience was one of more control than concern, so I truly wish you the best in this. Chronic illness fucking sucks and is super isolating without feeling that your parents are sneaking around to get information about you.

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    • RedandBlackFan

      168d

      You’re not alone. I’m 35 and I am in the same boat. They hate that I’m on here bc they think I’m dumb enough to get myself kidnapped. When they said that yesterday, I said where was that fear when I was 17 and if the bus didn’t come I would’ve been in some guys trunk?! Sometimes they really don’t understand. Idk if it’s cause I’m the youngest or I’m disabled but in my opinion they should knock it off

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    • shoe

      159d

      You have done your part for growing up and moving on. They haven't seemed to have that full transition yet. It can be really frustrating. You should calm them and talk about how you wish they wouldn't do that anymore. You don't like that they do that, and you have to set that boundary. If, after that talk, they still dont stop , maybe sign a release for them? Some parents, even though you set that boundary with them, they don't change or respect it. So then you have to do what you can to change that. I wish you the best for luck!

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      Reply

☝ This content is generated by our users and it is not a substitute for professional medical advice. Please consult with your physician before making any medical decision

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