Overcoming Selective Mutism: My Story

I never struggled to speak as an infant. In fact, I spoke earlier than most babies, but when I was in fourth grade, I got into a lot of arguments with my grandma. She would take me to school every morning bc my parents worked early. I was so sick and tired of arguing with her that I stopped talking to her. I figured that grandpa would be really upset about it too, and I didn’t want my grandma to feel alone in this or envy him, so I stopped talking to him as well. Only nodding/shaking my head yes and no frequently, but I could only utter a few words annually. For the first year or two, they became very upset about it, and they would beg to have a conversation with me. This made me really anxious, so I continued to keep myself silent. During the next couple of years, my grandparents became nicer about it. They would ask me politely to write their names on their hands or a piece of scrap paper. I refused, even though, I felt extremely guilty that I couldn’t even say, “I love you.” They cried and begged to know why I could talk to anybody else: family, friend and stranger, but not them. Every visit was like playing 20 questions, especially with grandma. They would suggest what I’m feeling, thinking, wanting and I responded by shaking my head. Fast forward to last year; it’s been 6 long, silent years. My mom and I got into an argument, and she told me to pack my bags and call somebody to pick me up. My dad was either in jail or in rehab at that time, so I couldn’t call him. The dog chased and barked at me while my mom beat me as I called and begged my grandma to come pick me up. My mom screamed, “YOU ARE SO SELFISH!” I ran out of the house with my bags and waited in the front, where she couldn’t see me. I opened up werdsmith, and repeatedly typed while muttering, “You will talk to your grandparents. You will talk to your grandparents. You will talk to your grandparents.” I was NOT gonna allow myself to speak only when I needed them desperately. I spoke to them in the car about the fighting with my mom and our plans to get through this. Nobody asked why I started speaking to them again. Grandma picks me up from school. She starts conversations off like normal people, “how are you, how was your day at school?” I always feel stiff around her like my movements are restricted. It’s so freeing to get home and into my room where I can stretch and speak with ease. I know it’s a lot to take in, but does anyone here with mutism relate to this? My selective mutism manifests in other ways. I still find myself disengaging in conversations I really want to join. While I was studying for a test today, I overheard a group of kids reacting to memes from my new favorite show. I desperately wanted to say, “F*** yeah, I love (that show,)” quote, and discuss funny scenes. But I am too embarrassed of my hyper fixations, so I kept silent. I stared at my test review, not paying much attention to the material on it, so could I listen closely. LMAO. But enough of that. How are you guys dealing with this condition? Does it effect you in a similar way, and how can we overcome these anxiety inducing obstacles? Pls don’t hesitate to suggest anything helpful. 😊