My Mom Won't Validate My Emotions

My mom has never been the type to validate emotions. At all. She thinks she's tough, and she wants everyone else to be just as tough as her. Ik she does it because she cares and whatever, but she should be giving me the care *I* need. Anyways, the other day, she made a joke about not being one to validate emotions and I said something back, like how I wish she would. And she said "I've always been like this. You can't expect me to become a different person." Like dude.. Come on now. First of all, you absolutely CAN and SHOULD work on comforting/validating people, especially your own child. Also, improving as a person is not the same as trying to become a different person, unless you genuinely don't give a shit. So I guess she doesn't. She is SO reluctant about trying to improve the way she treats me when I'm having a hard time or when we're having conflict. Idk. I just wanted to get it off my chest, and even though I'm learning how to validate myself, it'd still really help to have some. I'm either never sympathized with or told that it's my fault, and this has made it SO unexplainably hard to trust the validity of any emotion I feel.

Your answer

Gwen71

1y ago

Well, this might not be the same thing you are talking about but my mom's a narsasist so any validation coming from her is like pulling teeth.🙏

Flameember

1y ago

I have a similar experience with my mom. Can never do any wrong, and if you try to talk to her about it in any way shape or form then you're just attacking her and yelling at her. I've tried to explain to her that no one is coming at her, we are just trying to communicate ways that she can improve on her end to help improve our relationship. Gaslighting is her go to move. If you point out anything like that that she's doing then she makes fun of you saying that that stiff is just made up by hokey therapists to make people want to come in more. And only really messed up people go to the real therapists, so if you suggest that she goes to see one it's like it's the end of the world. The only things I can suggest is set in your head the ways she can do better and figure out how to communicate that to her ("I am/feel _ when you _, and it effects me by _" is a good way to try to start). Understand that the way she is acting is most likely a result of her coping mechanisms from her own childhood, and while you are doing your part to communicate how things need to change for your guy's relationship, you can't force her to do what's necessary or change her viewpoint. This doesn't mean you're a bad child or anything negative like that. Set proper boundaries (bad example: you need to be more considerate and thoughtful. Good example: I would like you to do these specific things for me and if you don't, thats okay, but I will not invest more time into this relationship) and follow through. Boundaries aren't a threat, or demand, or expectation. It's a course of action YOU take to take care of yourself when a particular set of circumstances arise. Those are some things to help ease my mind and remind me that I am in control of myself and my future, not in control of others nor are they in control of me. You're strong and the fact that you have the courage to even mention this to her is amazing. Just keep at it amd keep your head screwed on 💕

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