Do You Miss Your Depressive Episodes?

Its so weird! Sometimes i wonder who i am. Is depressed me the same as medicated me? Is medicated me not me at all but rather just the chemicals?

I wouldn’t say that I miss my depressive episodes but being in remission and feeling generally okayish since I was put on my current dosage four years ago makes me feel as if it was all a lie. As if I was making it all up for attention and that I hurt everyone around me on purpose. Even though I know objectively that isn’t true, it was just a hard transition from constantly distraught to relative stability.

I feel this. I was also untreated until very recently, so depression was definitely a big part of my identity most of my life. I'm very very happy to be doing better now and don't want to go back at all, but there are things I miss. Like my emotions in general felt much stronger, like I still feel them but they're not as intense. My depression fueled a lot of my creative stuff, so that feels different now too. sometimes I just miss staying up until the sun comes up and spending all night listening to music, writing, looking at pretty pictures online... Idk, I think part of it for me too is just getting older, but I do feel a certain nostalgia about the depression from time to time. At least the parts that weren't awful. But overall I'm very very glad I finally got proper treatment.