Mostly a rant but if anyone has advice that would be good. Thank you!! TLDR at the end I think I’m misdiagnosed. Officially I’m diagnosed with BPD, but I don’t think I have it. Last year, I admitted myself to the psych ward because I couldn’t keep myself safe and the second time I was also psychotic (both 2021, once in April and once in August I think) and they diagnosed me BPD there. I have episodes. Strong emotions become overwhelming and I lash out at people, but I’ve gotten really good at holding back and not saying something that’s mean. I realize when I’m having paranoid thoughts. I have a fp, my partner, and I split sometimes. I also have a lot of derealization. Almost half the time I’m sure that no one is real but me (of course i don’t tell anyone and I don’t do anything about it because I know it’s just a symptom). I don’t have a sense of self at all. I also am diagnosed bipolar. I don’t get mania a lot, like maybe once or twice a year. But again, strong emotions and cycles of depression. I was on medication. Cymbalta. In 2019- a year before i started getting bpd episodes and I went through a lot of trauma in 2020. When I went to the ward for sh in 2021, they gave me latuda but it was $800 with insurance. I feel like the two conflicted and made me kind of delirious. I didn’t start seeing and hearing things until that point. My psychiatrist also gave me Adhd medication at some point but with the other meds it made me really numb so I stopped after a week. The therapist I saw for like a month told me that I’m unusually aware of my emotions and how my disorders effect me. I think I might have autism, adhd, and something relating to compulsions. Autism runs in the family and I’ve always had trouble with eye contact, overstimulation, sensory issues and general socializing stuff. I also kind of carry myself weirdly. If that counts. I know adhd has a lot of symptoms that correspond to autism. Like I can’t tell the difference when I fidget or stim. I don’t think I have ocd. But I have a lot of compulsions. For example- when I was like 6-7 I would wash my hands and then take a cup and pour water on the sink nozzle so I didn’t get those germs on me again. It happened every time I washed my hands for months until my mom made jokes about me becoming a germaphobe so I worked very hard to stop and make sure I didn’t “become a germaphobe”. If I don’t actively work at it, I fall into cycles of stuff like that. TLDR: When I was in the mental h*spital I was diagnosed Bpd, Bipolar with psychotic features, and anxiety. I think I have Bipolar, Adhd, Autism, and something to do with compulsions.