Struggling with Body Image and Weight Loss

Struggling to Accept My New Body Image

rant about being frustrated with trying to lose weight. I'm so fat. I keep losing weight just to gain it back. looking at myself and how much my body has changed just has been making me crazy these last few days. I gained 6 lbs this month, which isn't too much, but given that I was hoping to lose a few, it hurts. I just hate my body so much and I'm so lonely which makes it worse. I hate thr overhang of my belly. I feel like I wasn't this conscious of how much I hate my body before, but now that I'm counting calories and tracking food and trying to be strict with how much I work out, it's just worse. I want to be in shape again and I want to do it fast, prior to both visiting family I haven't seen in several years (in jan) and starting medical school (in august). It's not even like I'm trying to be a skinny size Two. I'm just trying to not be obese for once, and I need to lose like 25 pounds just to be overweight insteD of obese (yes I know bmi is a lie but it hurts that my goal is something most of my friends wouldn't imagine ever getting). I feel like my friends distance me because I'm fat, they'll post things with their skinnier, hotter friends, but not eith me. because of how many fights I get in with my parents and grandparents about me being fat, I feel useless and feel like I'm doing my little sister's more harm by existing than by just disappearing. I don't want to hate myself. but it's just like without giving attention to how much i hate my body, I don't have enough motivation to actually put in the discipline and effort to get healthier. I want to throw away my scale and stop calorie counting. but I know by doing that I'm just gonna gain another 20.

I am so tired of always being sick and in pain I’m gaining weight and I want to lose weight I’m overwhelmed with depression it’s sad

I want and need to lose weight so badly for my physical and mental health. dieting makes me want binge and body weight scales are triggering, but not knowing for sure whether I'm losing weight or not gives me so much fear and I lose hope. I'm stuck and I don't know how to get out and all I do is dig the hole deeper