Internalized Self-Hatred and Suicidal Thoughts

The upbringing we get from parents is one of the most defining factors in how we learn to deal with life, so it's not uncommon for you to develop a mindset like this from parental trauma. You shouldn't feel guilty because it was her doing, not yours. The child and she's the parent. But also know that a lot of parents aren't ready to confront their faults. When you're ready to talk about it with her there might be backlash. For now surrounding yourself with other people who love you can be life-saving, they can remind you of all the reasons you should love yourself too.

It’s not sick. It’s not your fault you went through what you did growing up. But as a person it is your job to help yourself heal and take care of yourself now. If you are able to, please look into therapy if you want to grow and work on your point of view on life and relearn healthier behaviors for yourself. You are not alone, I’ve been there and countless others have and are too.

Homie, let’s be honest here. Most of your problems with this may have been from what your mom has done, but it’s your job to work those issues out. I mean, she can’t change the past and neither can you, so you gotta work with what you can and improve to give yourself a better chance in the future. I hope everything works out in the end, g.