Also if you need to vent I am always here for anyone struggling with these feelings because I totally relate! ❤️

It sounds like you're fighting subconscious false beliefs because of the way you describe knowing it's untrue that it "makes" you gross and dirty, but not being able to "convince" your brain of it. And I believe subconscious battles are healed subconsciously. I know it's true for me actually. The problem with talk therapy is that it is a round about way to convince your brain of something....but what actually creates a change in this type of thing is energy work. There are people (who are not voodoo weirdos) who energetically can tap into your subconscious, if you give them permission, and they work with you to find the false beliefs and then they clear them for you so that your brain "gets it". As long as your subconscious is active with them, it works. We are dualistic beings. We have a spirit and a body. Spiritual /energy/ subconscious ...it's the same thing. The trick is to figure out where the issue is. If it's in your subconscious then find an energy worker who has been trained to work on your subconscious. If it's in your body, find a doctor to treat your physical body. I can refer you to some energy workers if you're interested. I know two of them that have brought me a lot of peace and acceptance of myself and helped me through some of the most difficult things of my life. I don't carry any trauma with me. I live free in my mind by understanding myself through some very wise people.