Guilt-free ways to decline plans without mentioning illness?

I feel you! It has filtered many so called friends out of my life, which I guess is a blessing. People who don’t understand and make you feel guilty are incapable of getting it, and I have learned that you can’t talk someone into empathy. Guilt and shame do not help you get better. Focus on the people who support you and validate your experience. The other people don’t deserve details or explanations. I just tell people I am ill. It’s hard to have a debilitating illness that is impossible to prove. My father doesn’t even believe me, and he’s a doctor. It’s not fair, so I just avoid those people.

One of the best ways for me is to not provide a lot of detail. A lot of times we feel the need to overexplain ourselves to “validate” saying no. Sometimes just a quick “sorry I can’t make it!” Is enough

Wow I asked for help and I received exactly that! You guys really showed out. Big thanks 💓💓💓💓💓

I think the best thing I ever read was no it's a complete answer. You don't owe anybody more than that.

Unless ur not comfortable bringing it up having an illness should be reason enough. If u can't mention it just say ur not feeling good

Hopefully, eventually, you'll have 1 or 2 real friends, who won't have expectations of you, always being able to give your energy to keep the ball rolling. There may be someone who can just come and watch a movie with you and ask for nothing, but for you to be you, when you have energy & when you don't. It's ok to just b a human being ,not a human doing. No one who isn't chronically fatigued can really understand what NO energy feels like. Even my therapist will tell me I just gotta force myself to get out & go places where other people are doing what I am interested in. He doesn't seem to get that to take a shower is a big deal, let alone do my hair, put on make-up, dress nicely then have to drive there. Showers alone are hard for me and I don't think I'm the only one who finds that a daunting task. Grocery Shopping can b overwhelming. It is easier to do things that I really like, but still tough sometimes. That's how I realized that I wasn't just lazy. I don't do 99% of things that I would find enjoyable. I used to beat myself up for not cleaning & grocery shopping. When I saw that I couldn't find the will to do something fun, I knew that my fatigue was not laziness. It took a long time to accept this. I am completely isolated now, except for playing pickleball 3 nights a week. I don't have the energy or know how to make new friends. Sorry, this is about you but I wanted you to know, how another fatigued person, understands. I hope that you can relate and be good to yourself. You know your limits and don't need to add any more stress, as that is energy zapping. I believe that you will find a couple of friends who can just enjoy being in your company without you having to do anything but be present. Having someone sit with you and watch a movie, keeps you from being alone, all of the time. Isolation becomes a way of life and it can be lonely. I hope that there are one or 2 ppl with whom you can be totally honest with and ask them to be with you, as you are. Of all of the s**t that chronic illness brings, I find fatigue to be the hardest. We want to get out & be with other ppl but we're just too tired. It makes for a small world, but you deserve the best quality of life, that your illness allows you💟

I absolutely love what Lunarr said, they put it wonderfully! I was going to try and stress the bit of unlearning the guilt of it all if no one had, half the time I can't get back to people online because I don't have the energy or masking ability in me to have a normal conversation & it's been rough dealing with it, I've even lost a couple friends. But not forcing myself to do things that have a shit impact on my and my health has made me feel a lot better & now I have more energy for those who stuck around & actually care :)

“Hey I don’t think I’ll be able to hang out “insert day or time” I have a lot going on and I think it would be best if we could reschedule for a time when we both can enjoy being out” maybe throw in something like “please let me know another day that could work for u” or a “I’ll definitely be in touch soon to make plans”

All my close peers/teachers/coworkers know that I'm very antisocial and reserved, so I typically tell them my social battery is just low at the moment and I need a break. They're usually very understanding. For people you're less close with, simply saying 'something important has come up' or that you already have plans may work best!

Honestly I just tell people that I have plans or am busy already. You have plans and are busy taking care of yourself. 💕they don’t need to know any specifics if you don’t want to share. People have private things going on and don’t need to share all aspects with those around them. I always say something like “I wish I could that sounds like a lot of fun but unfortunately I’m busy that day. Maybe we can plan another time!” If they ask for a date then I always tell them I have to check my calendar at home but we can text about it later or something like that. Always pushing the topic away until you are able to deal with it

Being chronically ill is a balancing act for sure. Trying to handle work and school on top of a social life is super hard and draining! Give yourself some grace and allow rest without feeling guilty for it (harder said than done, I know, but unlearning the guilt of internalized ableism is an ongoing process). I recommend looking into the spoon theory, if you haven't already. It says that everyones energy is represented by spoons. All activities including stuff like showering and going to work cost different numbers of spoons. Healthy people have an unlimited amount while mentally and chronically ill people have a limited number meaning they need to be careful how they spend them. Saying no to a social event because it might cause a flare is just budgeting energy, it's you conserving your spoons so you don't go into a deficit. I've found this metaphor is a very easy way to explain things to healthy folks and it doesn't have to focus on one illness in particular, just your general wellbeing. There is a mental health component to being chronically ill that is often overlooked by healthy people because they might not be aware of it. Also, of course, the invisible illness symptoms like fatigue, etc. Don't push yourself if you don't feel like you can handle it. Tell people that you don't have enough spoons for a social outing. Or, if you're just feeling anti social, be honest! It shouldn't be expected that every moment of your free time where you feel alright needs to be spent with others, you deserve time to yourself that isn't just symptom management and recovery. If the people in your life can't understand your energy budgeting needs, then it's not your fault. Existing, let alone trying to fit work and school in, is exhausting and you know your body best. If they can't respect your needs - and it is a need - that's their problem. You can always recommend a lower impact activity bc of your health, too! This lets them know that you still want to socialize but also establishes your need for budgeting energy and managing symptoms. With my friends and family they understand that I need frequent sitting breaks when we go out and will sit and wait with me. Communication is key for sure. I hope some of this was helpful and that you find a solution you're happy with!