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MatchaBunn

631d

How do you find something to look forward to when it feels like everything is stuck in place? For background, I’m currently in the throes of my health going haywire, not being able to work as many hours as I need to for necessities, and my mental health plummeting as I go nonverbal from stress. I feel like I’m being left behind. Like I’ve got nothing to look forward to because 1) all my prospects look bleak as a multiply disabled person, and 2) I’ve reached out to all the supports I could. I want to give up. I feel so bad for that! I don’t want to give up on my friends or family or even myself, but I feel like I’ve reached the end of what I can do. I’m in a body that can’t keep up with the demands, and it’s just pulling me further and further away from my life. I want to do things. I’d love to be able to actually have the money, or independence—or the interdependence to rely on the supports I do have—but I just feel like I’ve reached the maximum of what is possible. I don’t want to believe this is it, but the call of relief I feel from suicidal ideation is so strong rn. It’s easier than pretending I’ll ever get ahead, than talking to people who have some sort of motivation or interest, or something that I’m lacking. I don’t feel like I can even dream anymore because I haven’t been able to do anything but fail. And I feel like such a downer, I can’t keep asking people around me to lift me up. So I pretend. I let my mask take over, because at least they’re generally liked. But it doesn’t feel like it matters because there’s not much else that can be done for me. No one can do this work for me. And I’m not able to keep up with the basics, let alone trying to add more to my plate. The stress never goes away. Never gets smaller. I always feel less than. And it sucks. I don’t want to keep coming back to this place. I know I shouldn’t vent when I haven’t done grounding, but I don’t want to ground into this broken body. This broken life. Feeling like a failure in every way. Disclaimer: I am safe, no active plans are made. I guess I’m just screaming into the void looking for hope when I feel so hopeless.

Top reply
    • Squishlover

      631d

      Honestly I feel like this often. I have the hardest time getting ready for work and the stress never lets go. I have to take it a day at a time which can be very hard . you're doing the right thing venting here so at least you can ask for help here. I hope things get better

    • Squishlover

      631d

      Honestly I feel like this often. I have the hardest time getting ready for work and the stress never lets go. I have to take it a day at a time which can be very hard . you're doing the right thing venting here so at least you can ask for help here. I hope things get better

      • MatchaBunn

        630d

        @Squishlover thank you, I really appreciate the solidarity and encouragement to reach out for support. It does get hard, and sometimes it’s too much, but it’s only temporary. It’s the little moments that get us through.

    • CaptainHolmes

      631d

      Have you applied for any type of financial assistance? Food stamps, disability, assistance with bills? I didn't and just stayed broke for a long time because I didn't think I would qualify, but I ended up getting food stamps, and it was a huge relief to know that basic need was met.

      • MatchaBunn

        630d

        @CaptainHolmes I did apply for food stamps, I get the max amount; this is my third time applying for disability, the first two were denied; and I’ve already gotten whatever help there is for bills outright. I do have to call each bill company again and see if there is anything else that they can do, but I’m behind at least a month on every bill. It has been a huge relief to have food stamps, I agree! The day I get money isn’t until next week, so I’m just out of easy to eat food right now, which is a stressor on everything else. And I’m working more days, so I just don’t have the time or energy to stop at the store. I don’t drive. I appreciate you mentioning these services, though, I know I may sound negative. It really means a lot to be reminded of the supports that do exist and check into things again. Thank you.

    • jipperoni

      631d

      All of those thoughts are completely reasonable to go through your head for the situation for you’re in and I’m so sorry you have to go through that. To keep looking forward to things, I always make sure I have a concert or a social gathering or an outdoor activity planned. A quick hike, a drive to a new place, a concert for a small, local artist (so it’s cheap), find a TV show that comes out every week with a new episode, or even just do a Taco Tuesday sorta thing! Even the smallest things can be exciting to look forward to :)

      • MatchaBunn

        631d

        @jipperoni thank you for this, it really helps me see the light in things.

☝ This content is generated by our users and it is not a substitute for professional medical advice. Please consult with your physician before making any medical decision

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