Feeling like a Disappointment

It really sucks being the disappointment. Knowing that people expect you to mess up is hard. Being the sick, queer, and mentally ill daughter is really hard. Nobody is ever proud of me. And they don’t understand why I can’t take it anymore. I’ve been self harming for years and nobody even noticed. Everyday I hope someone will notice that something is wrong but they never will. Everyday that goes by I get worse and am filled with more and more resentment for my parents and sister. I’m leaving them behind and I feel guilty for it. I feel guilty for wanting to be my someone else other than the hick disappointment with no friends and a family that left her behind. The minute I turn 18 I’m packing my things and moving across the country. I’m thinking Washington state? Maybe I can find my people there. And go to a good college and start a career in writing. That’s my dream. Maybe a nice girlfriend and some buddies to keep me company in a warm house just outside Seattle. Might change my last name. Be my own person. I tried to love them. I really did. But I can’t be alone anymore. I can’t go through the pain of chronic illness alone.