Feeling Broken and Lost

I feel.. broken. I feel like my brain and body have both given up. I feel like there is so much wrong that I don't know where to start to make things better. my brain has decided that time doesn't exist anymore, and entire snippets of the day just disappear. I seem to 'wake up' in the middle of conversations and forget everything.. I don't even know where I am sometimes. and on top of that, my muscles on the left side of my body have these.. convulsions? they writhe and twist, and contort me into demonic looking positions which makes me anxious to go out for fear of upsetting people if they happen. I try to hide it, and I try to act like I'm not in intense pain when it happens.. but I am. God it hurts so fucking bad. and sometimes it's for a minute, and sometimes it's for *hours*. it happens so often now that I get knots in my muscles that make them sore all of the time. I use the carts at Walmart and feel people staring at me because I look young and healthy.. and half the time I'm fine.. but I use them so if my legs start to contort, I don't fall over. my boss told me I need to get my shit together. disability told me I need to get fired to file.. but I don't want disability. I want to work a job, and I want to be able to do things outside without feeling panic.. but there seems to be nothing I can do.. any advice?