Struggling with Family Trauma and Anxiety

I've wanted to unalive since I was a child. my parents were ex Amish and never discussed their feelings with their parents so it happened with us too as kids. I never got sat down and asked what's wrong. we got spanked with anything near by, I grew up frightened of my parents. I remember my siblings getting lined up in the front yard for a spanking. that was the last time. fast forward, I moved out got into drugs, stayed with a man child felon who beat me and refused to work. I finally met someone 5 years later after that relationship ended. he's 1000% too good for me. we moved away for a few years and then ended up coming back to Michigan. I live in the same town as my parents, I've been here since 2017 now and they've only visited roughly 2 times? just to drop of something... they don't call me or text RARELY. my dad texts happy birthday to me (except this year) needless to say we only see them during get togethers and everyone pretends everything is SOOOO perfect. it drains me being around them, I get anxiety before I head over there sometimes for days if I know of an event ahead of time. can anyone relate? I told my mom in middle school that I tried to unalive and she slapped me across the face and left my room.. never to be spoke of again. I have a child who is ADHD and he is always too much for my family too, they never offer for him to spend the night but they have other grandkids who do reguraly. I hate my life. 🐑