TW::today Mark's 1 year since I received that devastating phone call. I can still hear myself screaming. my heart is hurting. I miss my dad so much. I dont feel strong enough to make it through the day. my husband has been super helpful. just letting me be how ever I need to be and holding me when I'm crying to hard to speak. I have been breaking down on and off since 1am. and I haven't had my meds in months. I have been medicating with cannabis to keep me sane but because my husband hurt himself at the beginning of the month and everyone in my hou sees but me has covid right now so he cant work, we have no money for any. so I lean on my other vice which is cigarettes but we dont have money for those either. so I reach out to family just to borrow 10 so I can have one vice today just to make it through. but everyone says no because they say smoking is not healthy and it wont bring him back and it wont make you feel better. I'm just struggling today. I'm so done. I dont want to live in a world where I cant hear him say hey kiddo whenever I call. I have a recording of his voice but i cant bring myself to listen to it today. I'm having suicidal thoughts but that is all they are. i will not act on them so please dont worry about my safety. my husband is home and so are my kids so i will be okay. I just dont feel like it today.
Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD)
Anxiety (Including GAD)
I went thru this with my best friend. I received a call, I remember being at work, the work day was ending. I had to ride back in the work truck, entire time I had my head down sobbing to myself trying to keep it together as I was seated between 2 guys. I got back and got into my car, driving recklessly and screaming, I could barely see thru the tears. My world came crashing down that day. They say time heals but I don't think it does. It's been over a year now and it still kills me. But it does get easier to make it thru the days as time goes by. My advice is to let the pain hurt, feel the grief, let it out. If not then it can eat you up inside. Just know that your grief and pain of your dad passing is how much you loved him. Hugs ❤️
I'm sorry. If a small bit of funding will help send me a DM. I can afford my vices right now but i can't imagine how I'd keep going without them.
When my Mom passed, I made myself a deal that I wouldn't tough out my feelings or neglect myself or what I needed for that first year, and that things would be easier next year. It doesn't always work, "deciding" ... Feels have a way of sneaking up on you. I had a rough week this past week, a coworker, 40 years old and a mother of 4 passed away from something to do with her liver. I was just heartbroken for her and her family, 2 of the kids are elementary school aged. I remember how hard losing my mom as an adult was... I couldn't fathom what this is like for her kids. Since losing Mom at 58, 10 years ago I lost my grandparents and my Dad, quite a few aunts and uncles... I am truly without a safety net of family anymore .. I am now the net. No one tells you about this part of getting older. I'm 46 on Wednesday and I truly feel orphaned. I'm so sorry you are struggling right now, but grief wants what it wants, and will take its due. Be mindful of your feels and allow yourself to feel whatever it is. It's even okay to be okay. Sometimes we feel guilty or bad about moving forward, but our loved ones would want us to remember them and also be okay. Obviously we didn't know what your Dad was like, but I bet he'd want you to be healthy and happy. But in due time, when you can. Also with that ideation stuff, it always helped me to remember how much I still need my Mom, so I will never purposely shorten my time for my own kids. It's hard when your saucy meatball (brain) wants to off you! Tell it not today meatball! Not today!
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