ADHD is the biggest obstacle of the moment. so much is happening in my life, I can’t make my brain shut up so I can focus on meeting the productivity expectation at work. my diagnosis is still technically unofficial several years after I first brought it up to my psychiatrist, because I was never able to set up a neuropsych evaluation (side note: I’ve done a ton of research on adult ADHD and why it is so badly misunderstood even by professionals). this is to say that my support structure is flimsy as hell.
I wrestled through high school with little to no help (bad call that almost killed me multiple times), and then throughout college I tried so hard to advocate for myself, but to no almost no avail. I’ll spare you the details.
now I’m two months into my first real job, which is draining to begin with, trying to stay afloat while I gradually unpack and rearrange my room, set up my workspace and daily schedule, process a mountain of past trauma, maintain some social life, look after my family, And take care of my body. there is simply not enough time and space for all of those, and it’s easiest to neglect self care like I’ve always done.
I have struggled with insomnia and disordered eating for my whole life, so it’s not a new thing that I’m not sleeping or eating enough. but it’s starting to really exacerbate my other health issues.
my supervisors and manager simultaneously demand an explanation for every 10 minute period I’m away from my computer and treat all of my explanations like excuses. I have made it more than clear that my productivity is being hindered by my health, by technical difficulties, by lack of real communication about what the expectations are, and by general instability in my personal life. but it seems like they think I’m just lazy and entitled. I am beyond exhausted