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Ory

735d

Does anyone else experience guilt pertaining to chronic illnesses in relationships? Any suggestions on how to get over/cope with it? I have an amazing, loving partner who has been as kind and patient as can be, but I harbor so much guilt whenever we cancel dates or plans because of me. The amount of times we've had to skip out on a fun activity to lay in bed because of a flare up is so frustrating. He patiently takes care of me and reminds me he loves me, but it just makes me feel even more guilty. I have thoughts like, "He shouldn't have to deal with all of this," and, "Maybe I just don't deserve him. He's too good for me and deserves someone who won't put him through so much trouble." Every time, he reminds me that no one is at fault, and I do deserve to be taken care of. I am not choosing to feel bad, but he is choosing to stay by my side. Which you think would help ease my mind, but it just doesn't. As much as I know the guilt I feel isn't right, I still have those thoughts and feelings, and wind up uncontrollably sobbing every time I have a flare up. Any suggestions would be so greatly appreciated!

Top reply
    • keerus

      732d

      I feel the same way too sometimes. Thank you for asking this question and I am grateful for everyone's advice here. One more to thing to add is I try to remember that *I* am not the problem/burden, the disease is, and it affects both of us because we are a team together. Maybe thinking of it as you and your partner vs the illness instead you and the illness vs your partner. Hopefully that makes sense 😅

    • keerus

      732d

      I feel the same way too sometimes. Thank you for asking this question and I am grateful for everyone's advice here. One more to thing to add is I try to remember that *I* am not the problem/burden, the disease is, and it affects both of us because we are a team together. Maybe thinking of it as you and your partner vs the illness instead you and the illness vs your partner. Hopefully that makes sense 😅

      • Ory

        732d

        @keerus oh I love that! It makes so much sense! What a simple way to shift that thought process. Thank you so much for sharing!

    • Bee1989

      733d

      I struggle with the exact same feelings and guilt. My partner works so hard and does so much for us and I’m unable to work and do the bare minimum with house cleaning and chores lately. Worst of all is the guilt that I can’t give him a child. He says it’s okay and that he didn’t really want kids anyway but I see the way he is with his nephews and it just hurts. Some days I genuinely feel like he’d be happier with someone else. But then I think about our relationship try to realize that by feeling that way I am denying all that we’ve had and have. Like I’m questioning our very love and reliance on each other. I don’t know if it’s a smart way to think but it’s all I can really do to pull myself out of that pit. We’ve been together 12 years and I’m so grateful for every day of it, even the bad days. If he suddenly was unable to work and it all fell on me I wouldn’t hold it against him or feel he was a burden and I wouldn’t want him to feel that way either. I don’t know if any of these words will help you but I hope they do in some way even if it’s just knowing that you are not alone. ❤️

      • Ory

        732d

        @Bee1989 I loved reading this. It sounds like you have a beautiful relationship. When I began reading, I felt so seen. The words you wrote were very relatable, and those mean thoughts our brains feed us were so similar. When I read that you have been together 12 years it made me a little emotional! I've been with my boyfriend for just about a year. I often fear that I'm sabotaging our relationship with all of these negative thoughts and issues, but hearing your story and seeing that you've made it so much farther than us warms my heart and gives me hope for our future. Thank you for sharing!

    • wise

      734d

      I just periodically cry about it for a good long while and then he reminds me of all the things I do for him and ways I take care of him. he's said multiple times that without me, he wouldn't remember to eat or shower or do laundry, and yet. I feel like a useless burden for not contributing financially. but that's just internalized ableism that doesn't read its ugly head as often as it used to

      • Ory

        732d

        @wise omg that internalized ableism is something else🥴 it stays making life harder for us huh? I appreciate you shining that light on these thoughts I have, I hadn't thought of it in that way. Thank you for commenting!

    • Belugabear

      735d

      I am in the exact same situation, with a loving partner who really doesn’t deserve being cancelled on. But at the same time, remember that you don’t “deserve” your illness and needing to cancel either! It’s just the cards you’ve been dealt. And by extension, the cards he has been dealt. He chooses to be with you, which includes your illness. Whenever I bring up similar insecurities to my partner, he always reminds me that he’s too far in, if he had a problem he wouldn’t have dated me in the first place! I would bet the same is true for your situation

      • Ory

        734d

        @Belugabear I don't think I've ever had someone tell me that I don't deserve my illness, and for some reason reading that hit me pretty hard. It seems like an obvious thing! No one really deserves chronic pain and fatigue, I wouldn't wish it upon anyone, but I think a peice of me feels like I did do something to deserve it. Def the mental illness talking, but real feelings nonetheless. And yes, my boyfriend reminds me of that as well! We have known each other for years and years but have only been dating for about one year. Sometimes I'll apologize for feeling sick because I know it's inconvenient, and he'll remind me that he knew exactly what he was signing up for when he chose to be with me😂 Thank you for commenting!!

☝ This content is generated by our users and it is not a substitute for professional medical advice. Please consult with your physician before making any medical decision

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