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Mystical_Unicorn

539d

Getting divorced from my first marriage. My partner can’t handle my mental illness , but didn’t tell me they were experiencing issues with me until they had already fallen out of love. Words of advice or encouragement would be appreciated . I still love them and moving on finding a new place to live and a new job is feeling overwhelming.

Top reply
    • Doggy

      538d

      @Mystical_Unicorn I don't think you were wrong about being open about your suicidality. It's important for suicidal people to be able to talk about it without extreme reactions from their support group. I told my ex about it ONCE and she brought it up forever afterward. I mean, I was just trying to be honest, but I scared her and she felt manipulated. She said one day, "If I broke up with you, would you kill yourself?" and I shrugged and said "Yeah probably", which was true AT THE TIME, since there was nothing else positive going on in my life and I was in a particularly dark place that day. And she took it as gospel truth and acted like it was a permanent situation, even though I immedaitely apologized and explained what I meant, and never stopped apologizing. She made me out to be a villain when I was in need of support. That's backwards. If they're hurt by that kind of thing, of course you'll care, but you can't do anything about it. Being honest is natural for us, and it's not morally wrong at all. It's important and healthy. It's up to our partners to really listen and not just hear. Sorry, I went on a rant again... My point is, that clamming up about such feelings might seem like it could have been an improvement on your situation, but I'm guessing probably not. I think you were right to express your feelings. What good is presenting a fake face to the person who's supposed to understand you the best? Honestly, I think you have a good deal of hope for your future. There's hits and misses, this was just a miss. For BPD, I consider us to have three stages: 1. Baby BPD: "I trust my instincts and life is a disaster." 2. Paranoid BPD: "My instincts are a disaster and I don't trust anything." 3. Mature BPD: "BPD influences my instincts in specific ways that I can recognize and plan around." If you're here, you're already at or near stage 3. I wouldn't reccomend relationships for stage 1 or 2. But in stage 3 we have better experience, better mental health, better self-esteem, and a better underdstanding of our needs, which makes us just another traumatized person in a beautiful boquet of tramatized people. If you personally have determined that you're not stable enough for a relationship, now is a good time to work on making sure you get to stage 3. A huge component of that is self-esteem. And a very good way to develop self-esteem is through verbal affirmations that challenge your cognitive distortions. So, if you think "I don't deserve the air I breathe", first ask: "Is this true? What do I really believe? Can I make this more true?" ➜ Come up with a more true thought ➜ "Actually, does anyone really have to 'deserve' air? None of us ask to be born and we all need air, logically there's no real reason to hold myself to a special standard." ➜ Then turn it into something positive and kind to yourself. ➜ "I'm just a human like anyone else. I don't need to be singled out. I deserve air as much as anyone else." ➜ Then shorten it and take out any negatives. ➜ "I deserve to breathe." Then repeat that to yourself in a clear, audible voice. Any time you have a thought that makes you feel like panicking or crying, is a good time to do this. Like "I'm ugly" ➜ "Well, different people have different taste." ➜ "I'm sure I'm beautiful to someone." ➜ "I'm beautiful." The ending doesn't even have to be true like "I'm safe." or "I have a house.", it can be aspirational. The goal is for it to be a more useful, beneficial thing to say to yourself than the original. Sorry for always making long posts! I hope I could help!

    • Doggy

      539d

      Oh yes, it hurts. Having BPD makes it a disaster. It's okay though. This is a good time for divorce. Any longer wouldn't have been good. You're airing out the laundry now, getting the sunlight on things that have been buried. I still love my ex wife too, even though she also fell out of love with me. Mine is forever, and that's okay. Love doesn't need anything. It just is. And love is infinite. You will love more people, even if your first love never falters. We are full of love. We are infinite fountains of it. I'm sorry you have to move as well. Instability is terrible. But when your foot leaves the ground, it can take you to interesting new places where you can learn a lot and start a new chapter in your life story. It's okay for it to be hard right now. It will get easier over time, but you don't need to rush the process. Allow yourself to say "This sucks and I hate it." Talk to friends and family. Get whatever closure you can with your ex, and don't forget to ask what kind of relationship they want going forward. We often assume exes never speak to eachother again, but is that natural? I'm good friends with my ex, we're practically siblings. I might even move in with her girlfriend. We can do that because only our romantic relationship was broken, so once we removed that, we gained our friendship back. It was a healthy, refreshing move. I'm still sad about it, and she knows I still love her, but my pain now is so much less than it had been when I was struggling to try to get her to love me back when we were married. It's much better to be rid of my expectations. I still think she's a jerk, but her problems are no longer my problems! Maybe that won't apply to you, sorry. Either way, know that you will be okay, and there's better people to get married to out there. Maybe a lot more. I've met so many wonderful people in the dating scene since my divorce. Just keep living your life and being good to yourself, and date again if/when you're ready. Good luck!

      • Mystical_Unicorn

        538d

        @Doggy thank you so much for your kind and wise words . I did talk with my ex and they do want to be friends. I think my situation is similar to what you described, once the romantic expectations leave the friendship could be possible. It’s just very raw right now. But I do want a friendship with them. With my BPD I struggle most with suicidal ideation and urges. While I’ve improved from my 10+ years of therapy and meds suicidal urges have never gone away. I feel this relationship failed because I was too open with how I wanted to hurt myself and that emotionally hurt them too much. I wish they told me how much hurt they were in. I think that would have motivated me to work harder. But I also wonder maybe I was doing the best I could at the time? But I feel like my best is and never will be enough… I don’t know if I will ever be considered mentally stable enough to be in a relationship again and that saddens me. I do have a lot of love to give. But I also have a lot of issues for a partner to deal with.

        • Doggy

          538d

          @Mystical_Unicorn I don't think you were wrong about being open about your suicidality. It's important for suicidal people to be able to talk about it without extreme reactions from their support group. I told my ex about it ONCE and she brought it up forever afterward. I mean, I was just trying to be honest, but I scared her and she felt manipulated. She said one day, "If I broke up with you, would you kill yourself?" and I shrugged and said "Yeah probably", which was true AT THE TIME, since there was nothing else positive going on in my life and I was in a particularly dark place that day. And she took it as gospel truth and acted like it was a permanent situation, even though I immedaitely apologized and explained what I meant, and never stopped apologizing. She made me out to be a villain when I was in need of support. That's backwards. If they're hurt by that kind of thing, of course you'll care, but you can't do anything about it. Being honest is natural for us, and it's not morally wrong at all. It's important and healthy. It's up to our partners to really listen and not just hear. Sorry, I went on a rant again... My point is, that clamming up about such feelings might seem like it could have been an improvement on your situation, but I'm guessing probably not. I think you were right to express your feelings. What good is presenting a fake face to the person who's supposed to understand you the best? Honestly, I think you have a good deal of hope for your future. There's hits and misses, this was just a miss. For BPD, I consider us to have three stages: 1. Baby BPD: "I trust my instincts and life is a disaster." 2. Paranoid BPD: "My instincts are a disaster and I don't trust anything." 3. Mature BPD: "BPD influences my instincts in specific ways that I can recognize and plan around." If you're here, you're already at or near stage 3. I wouldn't reccomend relationships for stage 1 or 2. But in stage 3 we have better experience, better mental health, better self-esteem, and a better underdstanding of our needs, which makes us just another traumatized person in a beautiful boquet of tramatized people. If you personally have determined that you're not stable enough for a relationship, now is a good time to work on making sure you get to stage 3. A huge component of that is self-esteem. And a very good way to develop self-esteem is through verbal affirmations that challenge your cognitive distortions. So, if you think "I don't deserve the air I breathe", first ask: "Is this true? What do I really believe? Can I make this more true?" ➜ Come up with a more true thought ➜ "Actually, does anyone really have to 'deserve' air? None of us ask to be born and we all need air, logically there's no real reason to hold myself to a special standard." ➜ Then turn it into something positive and kind to yourself. ➜ "I'm just a human like anyone else. I don't need to be singled out. I deserve air as much as anyone else." ➜ Then shorten it and take out any negatives. ➜ "I deserve to breathe." Then repeat that to yourself in a clear, audible voice. Any time you have a thought that makes you feel like panicking or crying, is a good time to do this. Like "I'm ugly" ➜ "Well, different people have different taste." ➜ "I'm sure I'm beautiful to someone." ➜ "I'm beautiful." The ending doesn't even have to be true like "I'm safe." or "I have a house.", it can be aspirational. The goal is for it to be a more useful, beneficial thing to say to yourself than the original. Sorry for always making long posts! I hope I could help!

☝ This content is generated by our users and it is not a substitute for professional medical advice. Please consult with your physician before making any medical decision

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