Cutting off a toxic family member: mourning what could have been

I just had to cut contact with my toxic/abusive grandma. I feel like I lost something I never had, like I'm mourning the person she should be. Did anyone do anything similar when they cut off a family member or friend that was toxic? I thought I wouldn't be this upset when I did it but I feel like a part of me still wants the relationship I should have with a grandparent and I don't have that. I don't have the grandma that bakes cookies or that loves you no matter what. I don't have the grandma that knits for you with no strings attached, I don't have the grandma that just wishes you eat and doesn't expect you to help. I don't have the grandmother who was emotionally mature enough to understand my needs and wants. I have the grandmother that cusses, throws things, hits, and screams/yells at me just because I put a plate or fork in wrong. I have the grandma that screams at me for wanting a snack because she isn't hungry so I shouldn't be either. I have the grandma that threatens the police on me when I nap or when I go bike riding. I have the grandma that hates me no matter what I do. thank you for reading all this if you made it this far. I just needed to rant my emotions.