Struggling with the Desire to Get Better

Yes this is what I mean exactly esh! I'm in the same situation too where I can not screw up my life because it has become something I am so happy to have and there's always the portion of me wanting to tear it all down because of fear and reckless impulses that almost feel like an itch I came scratch unless I do said reckless thing

Was literally just thinking this today. I’m working SO hard on improving right now because I have built a life that I can’t bear to screw up. But holy shit it’s hard. Recovery is really really hard. I’ve thought to myself god I wish I could just burn the bridge like I used to because it made me feel safe and I never had to admit that I was being irrational and impulsive. I really feel this right now. It was so much easier being a puppet to my BPD. But if you want to build a life worth living, recovery is imperative. There will be good days, bad days, big progress, regression, and so many ups and downs but it is the only way to build a better life

I had a time early in the onset of my symptoms. I didn’t want to stop self injuring and I didn’t want to commit to treatment. When I was in a panic one day my now husband told me that I didn’t “need” to self harm, I wanted to. And that if I realized that it was a want and not a need I could begin to let it go. My entire world shifted on that idea and instead of being dragged underwater I was swimming deeper. I wasn’t tied to the stake to burn, I was clutching onto it for dear life. All I needed to do to BEGIN my recovery (many more steps to recover but only one to start) was let go and start swimming upwards. I have been clean from NSSI since about a month after that conversation and entered remission a few years later.

For me it's more so one personality is reckless and wants to do all of the fun stupid things and hates my FP and wants to sleep with the nearest attractive person or get ahold of the nearest drug. But the rest of me looks at that likes it's as insane. But when I get into those moods I don't want to stop, I don't want to be different, I want to be reckless and stupid and stay that way forever

I'm tired of jumping from one personality to another. I just wanna know who I am, not what everyone wants me to be

The reckless behavior and my entire personality changing constantly make it so hard to want to be different. There are so many awful things about BPD like that but part of me focuses on the good and says I won't be as fun or have as much fun if I work through it even though both of those things have put me in bad situations

Always :/ I even miss my old self when I was at my lowest