Dealing with Bipolar Tendencies and Medication

This is going to be a long post (and I'm probably just rambling here) I'm bipolar who deals with a lot of manic tendencies. I wish it still involved physical energy. These days my brain bounces off the walls while my body takes the "nope, I'm not moving" route. I've known that I was bipolar since I was about 13(39 now) but, at the time, no one would actually diagnose bipolar in teens (or before that 20 something "break"). I was treated for depression until I did break in my early 20s. Took another two years before the "official" diagnoses. Then I spent another year trying to find a medication that worked. A full year, and 13 medications later, I finally (through a lot of research) found meds that actually work. I take 800mg of Gabapentin, 200mg of Lamotragine and 50mg of Paroxetine per day. That seems to be what I need. I know that I do need to be medicated. That being said, I don't feel happy when I am. I feel "normal" and that seems to be what I'm supposed to be like. When I'm not medicated I feel more "connected" to everything around me. That version of me doesn't seem to be the person people want/need me to be. I'm probably falling into the trap of unmedicated me feeling like I don't need meds. I truly know that's what I need to do. Right now I'm not on my meds (our mental health care system is a nightmare). I'm probably giving into the unmedicated thought process. Maybe I'm just "psycho babbling". I honestly feel like I'm probably not making any sense. I'm really just looking for advice from people who are dealing with the same issues. My momma is my mental health advocate and she's amazing! She's always supportive and understands how messed up the brain can be. However, she's a depressive, not bipolar. Apologies for the rambling. Any advice is greatly appreciated.