Struggling with suicidal thoughts and past trauma

I have been in therapy for 6 years and had 6 different therapists until I found the therapist I've been with for 3 years. I thought therapy wasn't for me until I kept trying and found a therapist PERFECT for me. Try talking straight up about what you want and need from a therapist in the first session and ask how they typically approach their sessions. When I found my current therapist, I told him right off the bay that I needed him to be straight up with me, call me on my bs, and not sugar coat things. One of my previous therapists had over validated my trauma and made me feel even more depressed when I left. Also if you can try to find/create a strong support system of friends you can talk to or just hang out with sometimes. Going out and doing stuff helps too, like go downtown in a new city and just walk around and check out new stores, go get food and have a picnic in the park, talk to strangers when you're in line at the store. Or if you find yourself stuck in bed all day, try to open the window, or if you can go lay down outside and get some sun, vitamin D, fresh air, and some nature. A lot of little things add up and can help. I know how you feel, my mother was severely abusive as well and it's hard because you want to forgive her and you want your mom to be a mom, and sometimes they're not capable and you have to remember that's not your fault nor your responsibility. You take care of you. When I was suicidal for years, I couldn't even imagine that one day I wouldn't want to die and I'm there right now. I've worked so hard and I'm living a really hard point in my life right now but my first thought wasn't to kill myself and that's when I knew how far I had come. You can get there too, it's just a rough patch that you have to fight like hell to get through. But you are strong and you can do this, the only way out is through. I believe in you and I hope you can find it in you too believe in yourself too. Something that also helped me with suicidal thoughts is to go to a different city for the day, go see some water, get in a different environment or around different people and sometimes you can find that it's not your life that you hate, it's what has been done to you, and the circumstances that you're in that you hate and want to escape from. When a flower doesn't bloom, we don't change the flower or let it die, we change its environment and watch it bloom. I hope this helps and I'm rooting for you ❤️

yeah i also think impatient is what you need right now just to keep you safe

I highly suggest committing yourself to a highly rated inpatient care facility. It helped me a lot after my attempt.

CBT= cognitive behavioral therapy. i believe it targets/challenges the negative thoughts it self. bc thoughts turn to behaviors and more. something more intense in therapy TYPE can help. i don’t know much about the different types. i only know DBT and CBT because learned in IOP. and after i g it discharged there, i still continued doing it

maybe in a close/local, try finding a therapist that specializes in CBT. it could maybe help with your negative thoughts that lead to negative and regrettable actions. in person therapy helped me more than online.