I acknowledge what you're going through - it's tough stuff! I had my first psychotic episode when I was 24, hospitalized, and put on heavy antipsychotics that left me feeling drugged and like a zombie. Bleh!
Fortunately, 12 years and many adventures later, I've learned that a key component of understanding and healing from these experiences is learning to actively change your brainwaves! This is what years of meditation can do, exercise can do, getting in 'the zone' with art or playing sports can do.
The reason you/we feel so strange after these experiences is that our brain chemistry has been affected not just by the episode itself (what happened, what we did, what we experienced, which can be traumatic in itself), but by being put on medication that dramatically affects our brain's ability to self regulate its own brainwaves. Situations that used to be comforting and familiar suddenly feel radically different. We can feel confused (scrambled brainwave), in high alert fight-or-flight mode (Beta brainwave), or dreamy and disconnected (Theta brainwave).
So what to do?
Keep taking your medication, go to therapy and support group, and do inner child/shadow work to uncover the emotional triggers that can lead to episodes and 'weird' behavior. This behavior are the results of unconscious and subconscious programming we received growing up. There are many trained professionals, such as psychologists, psychiatrists, therapists, coaches, empathic therapists, who can help you in this work. You will find the right fit!
Further, to help you learn how to surf the brainwaves, check out YouTube for videos about brainwaves. YouTube also has music tracks that are tuned to specific frequencies to help you reach desired states. I suggest searching for 'brain entrainment' and 'healing Solfeggio frequencies,' for a start!
Other modalities for changing your brain waves include yoga and meditation, but sometimes, we just don't feel like doing this at all - because our brainwaves are skittish or sluggish or weird!
By actively re-training our brain to work with the environment around us, we can find confidence, peace, social acceptance, creativity, and our childhood sense of wonder again. I'm living proof of it!
I believe in you and your journey, you are already on the path to wholeness! Namaste! πππ’