Feeling Like a Waste of Carbon Atoms

does anyone else have like 0 friends and feel like a literal waste of carbon atoms or is that just me because i seriously feel like my looser life style is so is a prison i buult around myself my boyfriend lives far and i see him once a week if im lucky all my other time is spent working or just sleeping for hours i feel like such a bother to my sister and him who are essentially the only people i talk to but they have their own lives and friends and im just there trying to insert myself i wish i wasnt such a toxic piece of shit for most of my life and i wouldn't be so lonely all my friends dropped me when i was a senior in highschool and i never bothered to try and make any new ones because they aren't just replaceable i still miss them so much especially two of them that are still friends with my sister and i see them somewhat often although a lot rarer than my sisters other friends everytime i see them i try so hard to show that im not that shitty person i used to be and they act like everything is fine and we are just like old friends for one night and nothing ever changes i dont ever hear from them despite their acting like everything is fine and me trying so hard to be better but part of me doesn't even believe im "better" now they should stay away from me honestly i don't deserve them i feel like my bpd makes it impossible for me to ever be truly a good friend or a good person at all thats why i cant make new friends they will figure me out so fast im not even a real person i just do what i think im supposed to nothing ever comes naturally to me i apologize if you read this entire angsty rant im crying in my room rn bc my sister didnt wanna play minecraft with me after she got off work and idk i just broke down because i literally have no one