2020: A Year of Loss and Trauma

2020 was a disaster year for me. While some have had it worse, that doesn’t make it any easier for me. It all began in January of 2020, when I came across Neon Genesis Evangelion, an anime that triggered me on such a monumental scale that I felt I was reliving the darkest days of my adolescence. At first, catharsis assured me I would never again suffer a similar fate. But two weeks later, my friend committed suicide at age 16. This was the first, and possibly the biggest domino to fall. It broke me knowing this, because he was like a little brother. He seemed so happy in the pictures he sent from High School. I cannot begin to imagine what drove him over the edge, and why he told no one. Then, the inevitable happened. Lockdown. I felt like I lost my livelihood, what made my life meaningful, my new friends were forced to evict. The only one I felt who truly understood my suffering was a fictional character, Shinji Ikari from NGE, and because of that I’m afraid to let him go. He soon became an emotional crutch that I hated to carry, as it only reminded me of my past traumas. Later came the worst breakup I had in my life. Her name was Brianna Lancaster. We had a long distance relationship. She had a tragic upbringing of parental neglect and loss. I was there to listen to her, hear her, and encourage her to keep living. She even once said, “I’ll never leave you even when I die”. Kinder words were never spoken to me before. And yet in spite of this she claimed life kept getting in the way for her. Yet she remained elusive on her reasons for it. I broke up with her once, gave her a second chance, only for her to turn me down again, for the fifth time, as if she was trying to set us up for failure. I couldn’t handle being rejected anymore. So I broke up with her for good. And yet always forgave her, as she admitted she had commitment issues. But eight months later, her friends announced to me she took her own life. This broke me a second time. Worse still, her so-called “friends” claimed she killed herself to prevent herself from being a burden. How fucking dare they. Sometimes I felt I should’ve been there for her more often. And now my grandmother has passed last December almost right after Christmas. I’ve been suffering a psychological domino effect for two years now. I checked myself into a mental hospital not too long ago, but I’m afraid of going down the rabbit hole again. But the absolute worst part about it, is that I overcame depression for once in my life, after I graduated high school. Now thanks to everything that happened in 2020, I cannot help but feel like the man I’ve built myself up to be came crumbling down before my mind’s eye. As if all the progress I made was for nothing, that the life I built up for myself was a lie.