The Fraudulent Feeling of Masking

This just remind me of how currently I am working on telling people I’m not okay. All my life I’ve been good, fine, great, etc. Even when my health declined and it was becoming more obvious I told people I’m getting things done I’m okay. However after having my body fail me it has taken everything in me to be honest. I’m not okay. I think a lot of this type of masking stems from my family to which I’ve never felt I had to hide anything from them but we were just raised to be stronger or rather lack expressing our emotions. It’s also due to all the sports I’ve done as a kid. It’s normal to forgo your pain and continue trying when you want more time playing on the field.

Oh boy yes I do!! I was a choir/theatre kid in middle and high school. On one hand, it taught me to reframe my nervousness into excitement and set aside my stage fright for the sake of a good performance. On the other hand… I got so good at masking my anxiety symptoms that I sometimes don’t even notice them myself 😅 It’s taken me a long time to realize that some of my behaviors are presentations of my anxiety. I’m still super grateful for the program. Tbh I probably wouldn’t be here today without it. But sometimes I wonder how my recovery journey would have gone differently if I hadn’t been in performing arts.