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Smiley_Sprinkles

915d

Anyone ever feel like they have suicidal thoughts in the background of their daily thinking? Like in the in between moments of life, like walking to the train station, making dinner, just thinking things like “I wanna die” or “what if this could be over soon?” It’s weird because I have no plans whatsoever and am on medication that mostly helps, they’re just always there. Anyone else?

Top reply
    • Rayman

      914d

      These are called intrusive thoughts.

    • Autonomous

      913d

      however, what you experiencing might be what is referred to as "intrusive thoughts". they are involuntary and it's common with many disorders. consider reading into it.

    • Autonomous

      913d

      I call it "wistfully dreaming" of it. "ah that would be nice wouldn't it. not another day of this hell" It's very disturbing and macabre to people who don't understand but it's not at all unusual and others who suffer the same can laugh and joke about it because they understand, and understand the need to *find* humor it it. I don't worry about it because I know that actually going through with it is much harder, as well as realizing that suicide is not really what I want. I want to live without depression, I just can't find it. It just feels like a way to out because I'm exhausted with fighting it every dany, but ceasing to exist in order to stop hurting can't really be realized. I won't be around to experience the relief I so badly want, and in my desperation to escape I will pass my pain onto the people who care about me - which is not the kind of end I would want. To put perspective onto my interpretation, I've had chronic depression since I was a pre-teen and I'm 42 now. It's been with me a looooong time, and I've had a lot of time to think about it.

    • fitzbar

      913d

      I’ll be driving down the road and the thought of wishing I had never been born will pop into my head

    • catlover_

      913d

      Yes. Like what if I just crash my car right now

    • Cyno

      913d

      Yes I get this SO MUCH. Sometimes I’m in a really good mood then suddenly BAM. It’s just comes like that. I would say it’s a normal experience for our brains, but if it gets worse or more consistent, I encourage you to open up to a therapist or close ones about it :)

    • Koi

      913d

      I will be honest, I've been that way all my life until I started my current medication. The one I was on before mildly helped me to get out of bed more often, but when I started this one I realized a week or so later that I hadn't thought "I want to die" in a whole 24 hour period and became ecstatic. It was the most surreal feeling ever because I had always had it as a default feeling and it could be magnified by literally any inconvenience or event/emotion.

    • dlmlap

      913d

      ✋ yep. Mine are usually like I see something and am like “oh that’s a good way to go” but have no plans, means, or intent. When those three perk up then I’m not in a good place.

    • Rayman

      914d

      These are called intrusive thoughts.

    • shrimps

      914d

      I'm at a point in my life where I don't want to die at all. I really want to live my life. And I'm still suicidal. I have no idea why. It makes no sense to me. I don't want to die and then I'll still be like "oh I should kill myself" like ?? Makes no sense. I'm sorry you deal with this too.

    • Smiley_Sprinkles

      914d

      It’s sad but also very comforting how many people instantly seemed to relate to this. Whenever I said stuff like this to therapist, she was just like “hmmmm” but no I’m obviously not alone. I’m already very grateful for this app.

    • TriswynMarigold

      914d

      Yes, all the time. I also suffer daily from chronic gastrointestinal diseases and that only makes the “background suicidal” thoughts worse. Never bad enough to actually attempt but enough to think that if I wasn’t alive, I wouldn’t be suffering (physically) anymore.

    • Poopyhead3000

      914d

      This is me all the time. There’s nothing wrong and just at random times I’ll just think, “huh I wanna kms”, but at the same time I don’t. It’s so weird

    • PugsSlugsSnails

      914d

      Yes. It is terrible and makes me feel really guilty. Wanting to throw all my stuff and myself away has been a constant jam in my head lately. It’s very defeating but every day that you wake up is another one for the books where those thoughts are just thoughts. I’m trying to meditate to practice observing but not judging or trying to stifle the thoughts so they will pass more easily. Unsure of success rn

    • ChessMixxd

      914d

      YES AND IT SUUUUUCKS. Oh my gosh, i could be making a bowl of cereal and the back of my mind is just like, "what if you just ended it all?" Ummm, no? I dont want to? Im at a point now where i can just let the thoughts come and go because I know it's not true. It's tougher when I actually am feeling down, but distractions and a lot of self love talk has helps.

    • JuliaCaesar

      914d

      I also have this

    • spacey_kacey

      914d

      it’s so comforting to know other people feel “casually” suicidal as some call it. i feel like the ideation of it, despite it being in passing, is still so paralyzing. like, why do i wanna make myself breakfast or go for a walk if i wanna disappear anyway lmao?? but yeah— i relate and i think knowing that so many people are struggling in this pandemic is also weirdly reassuring! pls know you are never alone— this app has definitely made me see that 💓

    • Smiley_Sprinkles

      915d

      That sucks. Sending love @kaiti and big yeah @SmallBat. Like my life is relatively so great and I know there are people who would be devastated if I was gone. It’s like “what do I even want anymore?”

    • kaiti

      915d

      I get it. Lately I've been really suicidal

    • SmallBat

      915d

      God, that's exactly how I've always described it. like my default is passively suicidal. and sometimes I'll catch myself thinking "I could jump down these stairs right now", then be like... but I don't even want to do that??

    • kaiti

      915d

      Yes all the time

☝ This content is generated by our users and it is not a substitute for professional medical advice. Please consult with your physician before making any medical decision

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