Struggling with Memories of Sexual Abuse and Trauma

this is so long I'm sorry, I'm spilling my guts here.. please be patient with me😔 TW: SA, SH ok so right now I honestly can't remember whether I made a post about this already or not. my memory is just so horrible lately. I feel like I've been pulled away from being super depressed but now I'm just really distant sometimes. not all the time. I can't remember conversations, things I did or agreed to do, whether or not I actually did something or not, and older memories are tormenting me because idk if they're real. I have this vivid memory of being sexually abused but it's just one moment and nothing more. I dream about similar things at times.. but it's just so foggy. every day feels like a step away from remembering and it scares me. I don't know what to tell people when I lose random little memories. when I look in the mirror I feel separated sometimes and idk who I've become because I don't feel like I've really been there to see myself grow for the past several months even tho everyone says they see tremendous progress and change in me. I've hated mirrors since I was young, I dont think I'm ugly but I don't like to see myself. I see my dad sometimes. they say I look nothing like him. i feel like I've had some kind of sexual abuse/trauma and telling myself stories about sex torture would actually calm me down and make me feel better when I was younger. sorry if that sounds horrible.. it's true tho. I hate it. when I'm feeling at my worst, it's like someone else is commanding my body and mind to do things I hate. I would visualize this as a separate person, holding me down, following me, forcing me to hurt myself even when I had no energy. sometimes she'd make me fall asleep with my pocket knife open and clutched to my stomach/throat. i tried to get up and push her out of the room and lock her out but she just appeared anyway. all my life it's been a cycle, being separated from home and from myself for months at a time but not feeling horrible, (those are the times I can't remember so well), and then going home and getting worse each time. I'm so paranoid that I'll fall back into it because it always takes my by surprise and last time it almost killed me. I can function well enough now and I feel like I'm happy? but I don't know if it'll last. I think my medication has made it less severe. but I haven't told anyone these things. are these normal symptoms?? I'm so confused 🥲