I’m not sure I’m even valid.
I felt kind of suicidal last night. But I couldn’t imagine what it would be like to actually feel _suicidal_ and go with it. That thought just made me feel like shit. But it also kept me from actually doing something.
I don’t know what to do. I’m surrounded by people that I know I could talk to, but who I won’t. I just don’t and never will. I’m very open about my mental health issues but I talk about them very casually, and joke around about it. It’s not a secret.
I go to therapy. And I’m starting to see progress for the first time since I started with my current therapist, which was a little over a year ago.
I’ve done medications. They tend to make other aspects of my mental health worse. I smoke a lot of weed to pass the time. I live alone.
I just recently learned that I do act fake happy all of the time. I saw this as ‘being optimistic and having a positive attitude’ but in reality I am in this constant state of “hey, I’m on the greener side, you know?” anytime I feel god awful. It feels invalidating as much as it helps keep me alive. But it’s so so so invalidating. Like nothing I feel should exist. And then that makes me feel like I shouldn’t exist. But you know, I just took a shower or I managed to wash a dish or two and I could totally use that as an opportunity to feel a little better. Why should I keep living just to wash three dishes one day?
I know I’ll get a few responses that say I’m not alone. I appreciate that.


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  • Raelynne


    I've been there. One thing that helps me is thinking about great memories from the past, and it gives me hope that I can have great memories in the future too. Stay strong. The world needs you, and there is no one who could ever replace you. 😊 🙏🏻

  • canadaisntreal


    to be completely honest with you i don’t quite know what to say to you right now. but i am so sorry. i have felt similarly before and it sucks that you just have to believe that it’ll get better, even though it probably will. things like washing a dish or showering that you might or someone else might view as the tiniest thing can be monumental achievements. for me, brushing my teeth is kinda a big thing, and i’m trying to accept that more, that it is hard and i still did it, and the times i don’t do it are okay too. i am proud of you that you are still here, that you are still fighting. sure, i don’t know you, but i am pretty damn sure that you don’t deserve to feel like that. you aren’t alone, that’s true. i hope my reply here helps, even just a tiiiiny bit.

    • 4byfour


      it helped a lot lot lot. Thank you.

      • canadaisntreal


        i’m glad :)

  • Gworlqueenpussaybuos


    Very relatable situation, you are very much not alone. If you ever need to talk my chat is open. Something that helps me stay a little more motivated is having long term goals for myself, or even achievable bucket list stuff that I would have always wanted to do keep me very optimistic and keep me going. I hope you get through this little bump <3

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