is it bad that I have dedicated my life onto a fictional character and a fictional world? like, my life (mental and physical health) begins to deteriorate when I'm not in my fictional world and not thinking of when me and this fictional character are together. It's gotten to the point that I'm spending money that I don't have on merch from this character, like I need him to be physically here. He's the only thing that's making me happy right now, ive laughed and felt loved in the scenarios that I'm making in my mind. I see a lot of tiktok videos of him and honestly, this has gotten so bad that when someone else says that they're mine or that they are madly in love, I feel my heart break because I know I'm so ugly that if He was real, he wouldn't even turn in my direction. It makes me happy but it also makes me sad to think those things because I know they're true. I can't even live in reality anymore because of this, every time I'm drawn into the real world, my depression, anxiety and wanting to die all rise. Every time I have a dream about reality, I wake up to a wet pillow and my eyes wet from all my tears. But when I dream of the alternate world, I wake up normally. I can't even fall asleep anymore without hearing his voice from the audios I've downloaded onto my phone.