Struggling with Codependency and Self-Reliance

Hey everybody, I'm just going on a rant. So basically I think I'm codependent bc every relationship or friendship I've ever had I completely rely on them for emotional support and advice. I think it's time I start relying on myself but it's been hard and I'm struggling like hell. I think I've gaslit myself into believing I'm okay when I'm really not. I absolutely refuse to take meds to make me feel better bc yes it balances out the chemicals in my brain, but how I personally feel about myself while on meds is terrible. I never confide in my support group, which I know I should. I've been disassociating hard. I can't remember conversations I had 5 seconds ago. I can't remember promises I make to people. I just want to bail on everyone and everything. Plus ever since I got sick my fainting has been worse.