Struggling with Mental Health and Medication

I made a generic "hi" post- but wanted to check in or vent or ? after 10+ years on more antidepressants, anti anxiety meds, and mood stabilizers than I can hope to name- I told my doctor I wanted to wean off, and have refused meds since this summer. it's not great, and it's also not horribly different? I still don't want to exist- but I don't make plans and I'm not afraid I'm going to hurt myself. I don't drink or use but damn sometimes I wish I could (I don't really go to 12 step meetings anymore either- so that sucks.) my executive dysfunction is what really makes my life hell- along with the chronic pain. I wish something would give... but idk what else to even do. I never was medicated for ADHD, so I feel like I didn't get a fair shake there- bc when doctors said maybe stimulants, I said no, and now no doctor wants to go there. it's all I can do to exist sometimes... and I'm going to try to schedule with a psychologist here (I moved to Brazil) but it might be the neurologists who handle it, from what I gather? I also feel like I should have tried alternative treatment when it was offered. or that I had had money for a stellate ganglion nerve block when I was in US. TMS worked very very little for me- and I guess they don't do electro-stim here much, which I've read has comparable effects to ketamine treatment? idk. just rambling. just hopeless. I guess I'll try to force myself to exercise and pray for dopamine or seratonin or what have you. at least since I moved to Brazil, I effectively get to skip this winter... because it's spring here now, and summer is coming again (I left US at the end of Summer)- so, at least no Uber depression that comes w the short days and coldness. idk man. just rambling. ugh.