Dealing with Pap Smear Anxiety: Need Advice

i feel guilty i am 24 and i havent had a pap smear yet i am able to have sex sometimes ive tried to have a pap smear but it results in me having a panic attack and i leave the gyno feeling defeated and ashamed i cant afford therapy and i dont know how to work on it myself at home and even words like "pelvic" or any vagina part (i.e. "labia") makes me feel sick to my stomach. i was given a speculum to practice myself and i cant bring myself to do it does anyone else feel this way? am i able to go the rest of my life and live healthy without having a pap smear? is there a way im able to start fixing myself even though i panic when i think about those trigger words?