My Stepdad Sexually Abused Me and I Can't Talk About It

theres something that's been on my chest for a while and I think I need to let it out. I've never told anyone about this so please be nice. (tw it's kinda sexual) when I was in middle school I was getting curious about inappropriate things and I drew some inappropriate drawings. I guess for anatomy for the most part but they were naked people in "positions". I didnt want anyone to see so I put it in my underwear drawer knowing no one goes in there ever since I do my own laundry. fast forward next day my stepdad who tormented me daily to no end found them and started shaming me for them and laughing and smiling when I started panicking. he told my mom and said he found it while putting away my socks but my socks were on the other side of my room so he was clearly in my room digging in my underwear. I thought he was looking for drugs at the time but looking back I know it was for perv reasons. anytime I showered while he was home or he knew I was changing he would break in and try to watch me. i had to barricade my bedroom door cause he would pick the lock. and the bathroom door didnt lock so if he tired to come in I would have to get out of the shower and sit in front of the door trying not to let it open but he could see me because of the mirror. a year or so later I was doing not so appropriate things in the shower. he stared blackmailing me and taunting my methods and telling me how disgusting I was for doing that. turns out he cut a hole in the shower so anytime I got a shower he would look in and watch me. anytime I upset him he told me to go do that and calm down, or tell me how gross I am for doing those things. he offered to buy me toys that were big like him. I was 15. eventhough my mom knew most of this was happening she took his side. he was removed from my house a year and a half ago but he continued to stalk. I moved away from the area almost a year ago but i feel so disgusting thinking about anything inappropriate and cant take showers anymore without making sure everything is locked. I have panic attacks every time I shower. this sits on me like a weight but I can't tell anyone because its gross of me to do things in the first place but I dont know what to do. I can't even talk about it to my therapist cause I know its gross and I'll be shamed and judged. but I'm so tired. please help.