epiclepsy

29d

a copy/paste timeline of my vents from earlier. these all took place within about 90mins

TW for: thoughts of suicide + mentioned past attempt, idealized violence, mentions of sh. I DO NOT CONDONE OR SUGGEST COPING IN ANY OF THE FOLLOWING WAYS: SELF HARM, SUICIDE, or UNNECESSARY VIOLENCE

this is all directly copied (except for altered potential no-no words) from where i typed it out earlier in the active midst of these feelings so sorry if some of it sounds a little insane lol i felt insane. im going to be breaking up the different segments with numbers since i wrote it on blue bird app across a multitude of chirps. the thread will not be numbered.

1. if i [tickle] my wrists i want you to mail a physical letter to my house addressing my dad and letting him know it's his fault
2. sitting in the rabbit cage crying because i know ill do something stupid if i go to my room.
3. me starting to love myself vs the sudden re–realization that i am a burden on everyone around me
4. having my anxiety weaponized against me is so [eff'd] up.
5 – a thread
5a)) i try to do good with my life and it's not [effing] fair this is how i get repaid. i buy silly little things for people because it reminds me of them and i think they'll like it. i uber eats pizza to strangers who can't afford a meal. i try to be the good child, the uncomplicated
5b)) child, the one who doesn't ask for much, the one who let themselves get to the point of attempting [the Big Death] before asking for help and even then waited nearly a month before telling anyone what happened or asking for help because i didn't want them to worry or have to tread
5c)) lightly for fear of making me worse. i take every pieve of [crap] medical event/diagnosis and put it under my belt like i dont gaf to try to keep them less stressed. i keep quiet and keep to myself and try to barely exist in the house except when i need to or they need me to
5d)) i spent my money on things i like to try to distract myself from how badly i wanted to [unalive] myself and then i got scolded for buying them. i drop out of a class pushing me to feelings of [the Big Death] again and get scolded for that too. i don't want to [effing] go to college but i don't have a choice
5e)) i want to never see them again im too scared to leave i want to be left alone but what if they never come back i want to [unalive] myself i want to prove im not weak and live Better than them, overshadow their accomplishments like lady liberty over a tourist
5f)) i want to continue to be good and gentle but i also want to be violent. i deserve to be violent. i want to punch bricks and slam my head against concrete, and know what it feels like to break someone's nose or split my knuckles on skin
6. everything is too loud and my head [effing] hurts i wish i was 6ft under in a pine box
7. and also Frick you, father. i don't think swearing is cute, but it gets your attention and makes you actually [effing] listen to what im trying to say even if u don't really Hear me
8. and tf do u mean "im sorry u get upset easily" ????? you have One actual incidenct in the last. idk, 6mos? where you're upset and suddenly ur an overly emotional woman i guess

– close –

i hope you enjoyed the freak show of earlier and know you aren't alone in however you're feeling, that we're all eff'd up but at least we're eff'd up together

Anxiety (Including GAD)

Depression

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