The 'Could've Been's': A Decade of Longing for a Lost Family

Im having a hard time sleeping bc I keep dreaming of my old step mom Z and my old step sister M. Z and my dad split up when I was in 8th grade around Christmas time. I know its been almost a decade since they've left but I can't seem to let it go. I dream of the family we once were. Z was more of a mother to me than my own mother was and is. My father was a workaholic and emotionally unavailable. I seen on Instagram that she's now married and has a step son she refers to as her "little lizard". It sucks so bad bc she always called me her "little creeper" since I liked to try to scare her all the time. She replaced me. I know she's happier with her new family. I know its my fathers fault bc he didn't appreciate her and love her the way she should've been. I know it was ridiculous to think she would've stayed in my life after she left my dad. I just thought since she was my mom too for almost a decade....that she would've wanted to at least keep in touch. She ghosted me. I tried to text and call her. Especially when my parents were too busy to be with me. I can't help but think about what my life would've been like had she had been around. If my dad and her were the ones to get married. Maybe I'd want to make something of myself. Maybe my mental health wouldn't have spiraled bc she would've forced my dad to get me help sooner. Maybe I'd be a whole different person. I love her with my whole heart to this very day. I know she's never coming back. But I can't stop thinking about the 'could've beens' and what life would be life if our family were whole again. I don't need any advice I just wanted to get this off my chest. I really hope I don't dream of them again tonight. I just want to move on.