creative_nickname

189d

I don't get why everyone I love just leaves me. none of my relationships last over a month and I don't think I'm doing anything wrong or being toxic. sometimes I'm pretty sure people only date me just for sex or to abuse me.

Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD)

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  • sadinsect

    188d

    I feel the same way. Like I wasn't quite meant for this world or the people in it. And even though I'm probably not even to an eighth of the way through getting this figured out, I would like to tell you what I've mayyybe been realizing lately. It's easier to say than to believe; I know that, and I apologize for it. These people that have left or done me wrong and left me feeling the way they have.. I really don't think that they deserved me. I've noticed lately that, my entire life, I've seemed to have drawn in negative energy. I don't know why this is, I don't know what I believe, but I've taken a look at these relationships that have been abandoned.. and in each one, I found some sort of toxicity. Some place in which I was, in some way, not treated the way I deserved to be, or taken advantage of. I don't even know what confidence is, but I know this: I am a damn good person who maybe hasn't got a whole lot to offer but will do anything they can for those they care about. I'm realizing I've never seen that in return. I've realized that I had put far too much into those relationships, and become far too dependent on the fucking dependency, the concept of having someone. I was so desperate for acceptance that I accepted far less than what I ever deserved. And these people, when I grew a little or didn't serve their purpose anymore, they left. I'm 31 years old. Last fall, I had a total of three friends, one of which I had met within the last year. That one is the only one still at my side. For the first time in my life, I gave myself what I deserved, and I cut the other two people from my life after questioning them for very long periods of time. I'm not sure I've ever felt peace, but since doing so, I have felt this sporadic sense of peace that I hadn't felt with them around. I stated earlier that I don't know what I believe.. this is true of so many things, but I truly do believe that some people are simply destined to show more love than they will ever receive. However, I think that you should approach these situations from a different angle. How much did you put into the relationships, and how much did they put in? Did they seem to care for you the way you cared for them? Was there a positive in losing them? I know I'm all the fuck over the place, but basically, did you attach and put far too much into into relationship and was the relationship serving you well? It's such a difficult thing to not do. For me, at least. The attachment and essential idolization. Also consider whether these losses were really losses. I obv don't know how old you are, but also take your age into consideration. You may be more socially and emotionally mature than your peers. I've struggled with this as well. Then, there is the fact (okie, not a fact, but I've seen enough) that people are inherently bad. People tend to not be good to other people. Some of us get it worse than others. DON'T LET IT CHANGE YOU BEING A GOOD PERSON. THERE ARE OTHERS, I SWEAR IT. Just try to evaluate how you're looking at these situations and not putting blame on yourself where you needn't. It's hard. I know. You don't need a tribe. Quality, not quantity, and it will come to you. What you need will eventually come to you.

    • captain_pike

      187d

      I'm a little bit younger than you, but relate very closely. I've put in a lot of effort in people and consistently gotten 0 in return. However, the advice and moreso the fact that you're starting to succeed gives me a little bit of hope!

  • Knightstarr

    188d

    I have been with my partner for 10 years and I still feel like that a lot of the time. It is especially bad when he is late or I don't know where he is, I get horrible anxiety thinking that he is not going to come back. My friends who actually talk to me either want to hump or ask me for money or other stuff. I am trying to make myself my favorite person so I can get somewhat over these feelings but it is very hard to stop putting others first. I learned some skills by doing DBT but in the moment it is still difficult to do the right stuff. I believe that we seek out broken people because we are also broken, and that in itself is counterproductive because if you are with someone who doesn't have the resources to make themselves happy how can you be happy and it leads to all kinds of problems. We are all just a work in progress and we have to keep working on it

    • captain_pike

      187d

      one of the hardest lessons I've learned throughout my tenure is that shared trauma does not equate to a connection/love/etc. And the truth is, for every person who is broken like us, there's a person who couldn't even fathom this life because they have a life with a proper support system and no tragedy. And they're just as compatible with us, connection wise, as the broken people!

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