beanthebunny

31d

dec 23 2022
*TW SA/M*RDER(im sorry) this is a rant pls don't report it im safe* ok so so fucking much has happened within the past year, fuck the past few months. in may me and my partner broke up and it turns out they didn't love me and wanted to break up months before we actually did (we dated a year and a half)and i realized they were lowkey abusive. that was a lot on it's own and im still coping with it. then my bestfriend moved in with me and they're bf r*ped them and assaulted me. then my bestfriend and i's ex fuck buddy sh*t and k*lled someone and video called us showing the body begging for us to help them hide it. we met the girl she killed a week before. through all of this my addiction to w**d, x*ns, cigs/vaping, and alcohol have gotten worse. i feel like im alone. i feel like im completely fucking alone and i don't know what to do i have no idea what to do. im so scared for the future and even for tomorrow or christmas when i have to face my dad's family, my little cousins who looked up to me growing up. now im this. a fucking mentally ill traumatized trans queer addict. they're these good sweet little catholic kids that don't know fucking anything i hate myself for being this in front of them. i already know im not going to be sober when i go to see them since i can't face my family without something to make me not want to kms. they're a lot. how do i talk to them? how do I act around them? how am i supposed to just be?? i really just am so lost i don't know what im doing im trying ive been trying so hard. since my ex broke up with me ive been so much healthier and happier like i was going to punk shows and writing music and bonding with my bestfriend and just enjoying life and then all of this shit happens. i don't understand. and people keep telling me that the thing that happened with my friend k*lling someone is a lesson and it pisses me off because someone shouldn't have to die for me to learn a fucking lesson that's so fucked.
people talk to me like im stupid like i don't know obvious shit like please shut the fuck up and think before you talk.
everything is so overwhelming i really just don't know what to do and i know i keep saying that but like i haven't even processed this shit i don't think that video call was real i don't fully believe that my friend is in jail right now for m*rder. i just my brain is fried it's done for i don't know what im doing i really just want to not feel so alone i want someone to hold me and love me and feel like i can actually trust them and just feel comfortable and safe for once in my life please.

Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD)

Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD)

Depression

Anxiety (Including GAD)

View all
  • MiriBekah

    31d

    I want to feel comfortable and safe in my life too. I can understand some of what you’re going through (everything but the w**d and m*rder). Everything just fucking sucks. I hate it when people say it happened so you can learn a lesson! My own gpa told me that it was “God’s will” and that it happened “so God could teach me a lesson” when he found out about my SA, DV, and attempted r*pe.

  • MiriBekah

    31d

    You can always pm me if you need to talk ❤️

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