Dealing with Transphobic Family Members

Hi there! It really sucks to not feel like you're supported by your family. I've been in that place at least a little bit with mine. CW for trauma (like that's any surprise for most trans folks you'll find on a chronic illness app, I still like to put out the warning,) but I hope my experience can offer a little perspective or something, I dunno. Make ya feel less alone, I hope? Anyway.. I'm a Man™, complete with all the Man™ accessories, like a face razor, a can of chemical-flavored aerosol body spray, a screwdriver which is missing the one bit I actually need, and pants with real pockets. I knew I was born with Man™ as my programming by the time I was five, but being that I was a child in a city which stands as a monolith of Air Force bases and super churches and generally regards itself as the snooty head of "go go white dude" politics using its trunk to chuck peanuts at every other city in the state, I was told my wanting to be a boy was no different from when I wanted to be a dog two years prior. Long story short there, I wore the mask of a teenage girl right up until I was away at college and had the freedom to come out (again) and start my transition. It'll be 9 years I've been taking testosterone in May. Coming out (again) was a little tricky. I actually came out to my brother first, over the phone cause he's in another state and we see each other every third year at best and have since I was a little kid (he's nearly 11 years my senior.) His reaction was to start swearing that HE is heterosexual (I originally figured he was just being his usual arrogant self, later info coming to light about his hand, so to speak, in an incident in my early childhood, in addition to a conversation where he pretty much told me he thought trans people were gay people with prior sexual trauma, informed my current belief that he's afraid he "made me this way.") But I still came out to my folks the next time I saw them in person. They weren't great at first. Dad cried. Mom told me they had always known I was, in her words, "a bit androgynous," in reference to my days of being a tomboy and really into videogames growing up. They said they didn't mind when I was "experimenting" by having crushes on girls. But they told me they felt like I was killing their daughter by transitioning. It took a lot of time and concessions (for example, when choosing my name, I agreed I would make my actual preferred name my middle and just go by my middle name so that my legal first name was closer to my original and neither of us would be put in an awkward position if they slipped and called me by the gender-neutral nickname I used growing up.) Mom told me at one point that she tells telemarketers who call their landline and ask for me that "oh, *deadname* died, you shouldn't call for her anymore" because to her, I killed the daughter she loved to be who I am now. I remember her telling me how pretty I was when I was a girl, something I really could've stood to hear from her back then when I was constantly policing my presentation so the bullies wouldn't come beat me up for "looking like a lesbian." They've gotten better over the last half a decade, but it took a lot of time and processing and space from each other before they started getting my pronouns right and sending birthday cards with the word "son." My brother and I aren't speaking, and that's fine with me after what I've learned the last few years. What always boggled my mind was that my mom was the leader of my girl scout troop (actually went all 13 possible years, if you're wondering why, see above where I mentioned my mother's involvement,) and I'm actually one of at least 3 different members to now be almost a decade into social and medical transitions. Mom was super supportive when she heard about both the other two. Not so thrilled with me. My parents were always on the more accepting end of gay rights compared to much of the town in which I grew up, but it was different when it was their kid. I think that's where a lot of parents end up. They get really stuck on their vision of who you are, and tend to take it personally when you tell them you see yourself differently than they do. Give it time. A lot of old dogs can learn new tricks and come around with this sort of thing.