liveliness

234d

I lost my dad a what seems like a year ago but it's been 3 years. he had stage 4 cancer. I didn't know how bad it was cause he hid it in his glove compartment and told me in a target parking lot. he was my best friend.

when he died it was around when the pandemic started. I moved him and my brother who's older abused me and literally took all the money I had. I have anklelosis spondylitis and found out real quick that I couldn't fight back. my brother is a meth addict and so is his gf. it's crazy because when your dealing with something so numb as losing someone, for my brother it became a complex that he needed to have everything. It was never about my dad dieing. my mom died of cancer when I was 19 but it didn't compare to this.

my brother kicked me out of the house And lived in it for a year while it was getting sold. he changed the family lawyer so during this process I had no idea what was going on so eventually I had to play his game. he got a hold of me while I was living in a friend's living room. months and months after he had gotten rid of me. he needed me to sign papers for the estate and was telling the lawyer that he was my care giver. he never did a thing for me in his live and had no idea about my disease ( I can't look up...) until things were being mailed about it to my dad's house. I met up with him and he took me to a house in the city and wanted me to move into it with his gf.... it was a "surprise." he sold everything in my parents house to do this..... since we were going to see the lawyer afterwords I played along. my room was a concrete basement. no idea why he thought i would agree to this. I thought I was going to die there to be honest.

he than took me to the lawyers place. the lawyer knew something was off immediately cause I was not receiving any of his letters and by the way my brothers gf came with us.... I pretty much right than and there got it all legally figured out in a lawyers garage ( pandemic.) it was crazy. I didn't sign anything over to my brother and basicly had videos of me making copies of the keys to my dad's cause he physically threw me out and changed the locks. before this when I went to get my things (while he was selling them cause all I had was a guitar, a bag full of clothes and my playstation.) they called the cops on me. so I stayed in a living room at a friend's on a couch. now.

there was a girl living In this house. it was my friends ex gf. they didn't talk or get along. I dunno why she was still living there but it was 2 years after they broke up. lived in separate rooms. not my finest hour u don't normally go for my friends exs BUT I saw she was hurting and like a moron I have to help everyone. she was walking around on eggshells and always very uncomfortable so I sat her down and told her this is her house too and started opening the place up for her. tried to make it feel less overwhelming for her. during all this we started to like eachother. months into helping her and figuring her out I noticed I was crying. at weird times. doing laundry or at the grocery store. the stuff with my dad and brother was really fucking me up. she was headed into nursing school and I needed to figure my shit out. so I backed off. she was upset so I sat her down and I told her I wasn't okay and it wasn't her fault and she was just glad that it wasn't her.

she would yell at me to come and talk to her and I couldn't leave my room. ( oh yeah I finaly got one of those and my bed and my things after a year and going through legal measures.) I couldn't get out of bed. I couldn't leave or open the door. I was numb. I lost my direction. when I went to talk to her she told me to get a therapist and she couldn't handle it. I didn't understand because I was talking to her like she asked. I wasn't talking about her... narcissists are real. I never knew they existed til now.

she told me to leave my room and come say hi to her everyday. never talked about me. never asked what I was going through. never knocked on my door. Just blamed me and left. literally and we lived together. she cashed out. I was going to the studio and making music cause it's all I know. I've been through sadness and abandonment over and over so I create. she was going to school and I cleaned up after her everyday. I made special drinks for her like lemonade for her to come home to. did her dishes. woke up and washed her lunch stuff so she didn't have to when she woke up. literally tried talking to her and she would scream at me and shake and I never understood why. for 2 years I tried showing her I was sorry and all she did was kept me from healing.

maybe it's my fault for being stupid

im tired of hurting 😀

Depression

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