Grieving the Loss of a Polyamorous Partner

Growing up... I've always been polyamorous. I was loved more then one person romantically. I got married to my trans husband 7 years ago. Aka my best friend. Then 3 months ago we started dating together my female best friend. She had known us for years. The 3 of us had severe medical problems ranging from sculliosis to type 1 diabetes. But that didn't matter. I had 2 people I desperately loved with me. My life was complete. We even all spoke about getting a home together. A 2 bedroom with room for storage. A 2nd room to make a nursery because my girlfriend and I collect reborn dolls. A big backyard for a small dog. Maybe even a garden bed to plant flowers. A nice kitchen with plenty of cabinets. You know, everyone has dreams... But then due to bad housing and my husband on July 29th passed away from interstitial lung disease and a weird lung infection. He had been doing good in the hospital fighting a good fight for 3 weeks! Our girlfriend was there visiting us and him every other day! He was even on a lung transplant list. So when my husband abruptly passed on the ventilator we were devastated. We're still grieving. We got his ashes 2 weeks ago. It's hard for either of us to realize that...that's him. Neither of us can think fully and are still struggling bon like he would of wanted us too. Leaning on each other. Loving each other. For the last 2 months of grieving our girlfriend and I have been cycling through friend's to live with. 3 different houses. The housing we were in was so bad they evacuated it and told us HUD would help us find new housing. We do have had the help of our local HUD with a voucher. So when we finally found a place. We went to go look at the place... It's everything that we wanted as a thruple. The new place is small but is a 2 bedroom. The second room is going to be our doll nursery. It has a detached garage for storage. A decent backyard and we are allowed a dog with no pet deposit because the landlord likes us. There's a garden bed out front to plant flowers in. There's a small kitchen with ornate cabinets. The house is an older one and was built in 1947! A local church is helping us get everything paid now and get furniture! It's a dream come true! I should be happy everything is going perfect now! But my girlfriend and I keep looking at each other and break down crying... It's still not fair. He isn't here and this is apart of what he wanted. He fought and lost the battle with his lungs because of horrific housing we had been living in. We lost the man we loved and he should be here for this! We are grateful and happy for all the things everyone is doing for us. I know we both have survivors guilt...but... it's still not fair. We both are going to therapy and have been for some time due to other mental issues. As I type this I am sobbing my eyes out again. I just want him back...we want him back...we want him happy and healthy. How can I focus on all the good and joy around us when both of us keep going back to the thought and feeling, "He deserves to be here with us. He would be so happy. This isn't fair."